Why You Cling to Relationships
Or why do you date people you don't even like that much?
Hey hopeful romantic,
Happy holidays! Times are wild with COVID right now, so I hope you’re healthy, safe, and spending this time with people you love.
Going off last week’s newsletter, let’s talk about a thing called scarcity mindset.
Have you struggled with any of the following?
You stayed in a relationship that made you unhappy.
You dated someone you didn’t like that much for far too long.
You worry you’ll never find someone who loves you.
These are all a product of a scarcity mindset: the belief that love, relationships, and connections are limited opportunities in the world.
When you have a scarcity mindset, you become desperate to keep people in your life. You cling to people you don’t even like that much or worry your partner will leave you, which causes you to push them away.
All because the idea of being alone or starting over is FRIGHTENING.
And that's where the issue lies. Because the fact is, you can fall in love and have a great relationship with plenty of people. There's no such thing as "the one."
Love isn’t scarce; it’s abundant.
Riddle me this: how would you date differently if you knew that more opportunities for love were out there? That, if a relationship didn't work out, you'd be ok, and you would find love again?
That's what's known as an abundance mindset.
Having this mindset makes it easier to create boundaries, ask for your needs, and walk away if those things aren't met. It also helps you relax and feel at ease with a partner you actually enjoy being with.
Scarcity mindset = desperate, anxious, obsessive, and worried.
Abundance mindset = asking for what you want, relaxed and trusting the process.
Which sounds better to you? Call me crazy, but I'd GLADY take the second.
So how do you cultivate an abundance mindset? Let’s talk about it:
Re-frame scarcity thoughts.
When you think things like “I’ll never find someone like them again,” or “What if I never find someone?” replace them. Remind yourself that there are billions of people in the world; you’re bound to be a great match with many people out there.
Journal what you’re experiencing.
Thoughts can be overwhelming, so try writing them down. When feeling overwhelmed, you may find that journaling helps you put things into perspective more easily.
Identify what beliefs you struggle with most.
Maybe your scarcity beliefs come from a lack of self-worth or the fact you’re not finding fulfilling relationships. When you pinpoint what negative beliefs come up most for you, you’re able to better come up with solutions.
Appreciate the good.
Having a scarcity mindset means you’re a pro at pointing out everything “bad.” So I want you to become the opposite; notice everything great that happens in your love life.
When you go on a fantastic date, write that down. If your partner takes your car to get it washed, take note of that. Slowly, you’ll start to shift your tendency to obsess over everything that can go wrong.
If your scarcity mindset feels too overwhelming to tackle on your own, therapy can be a great resource. Sometimes, outside help is just what you need.
I also want to remind you that I'm raising the price of my anxious attachment workshop at the end of the year.
If you want to feel less worried and more confident in your love life, now is the time to grab the workshop.
Until next week!
All the love,
Kirstie
My Links:
If you want to feel more secure in your love life, check out my Anxious Attachment Workshop.
Did you know I wrote a book about love? Grab your copy here.
Not scared to wear your feelings on your sleeve? Check out my clothing line.
Have a dating/relationship question? Send it into my advice column.
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Ask iris: "I'm incredibly impatient to find a romantic partner. How can I relax?"
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What ‘Defining the Relationship’ Means for 3 Different Couples
Reacting and Responding Are Different
Developing Empathy in Relationships is the Key to Connection and Communication
Moving Forward After A Breakup w/ Dr. Gladys Ato
Hi! I’m Kirstie
I help anxious people feel more confident in their love lives.
For over a decade, I was in one relationship after another with people who mistreated me or were emotionally unavailable. All of that ended when I took a year break from dating and read a book called Attached.
Learning about attachment styles changed my life. It opened doors like discovering my lack of boundaries and inability to ask for my needs to be met.
Today, I write (and soon, coach) to help people through the same journey. You don’t have to feel so anxious, insecure, and uncertain when it comes to love.
I want to help you feel confident and find the love you deserve.