This week, I want to talk about why people fall prey to never feeling happy enough in their love lives.
But first, a quick reminder: this newsletter is going paid in a few weeks. A girls gotta be able to buy herself some coffee and take care of my plants.
The subscription will only be $4. That’s four newsletters of advice, resources, and access to write-in questions to me, all about the world of ~love~ for the price of a coffee.
Anywho, back to our regularly scheduled content…
Satisfaction. More specifically, in relationships.
Why is it that most of us never feel happy enough with love?
I hear it all the time: I just felt like something was missing, we grew apart, what if I’m settling down?
It happens in the dating world and with people in long-term relationships. Hell, I’d be lying if I said I never thought about if my boyfriend is a good fit for me. I dare to say that maybe the issue isn’t who we’re dating; instead, it’s something in ourselves.
A little (big) thing called fear.
Fear is a paralyzing emotion, and it’s also one to push us into making the worst decisions of our lives.
And, of course, love is no exception.
If you experience the same issues over and over, it’s worth asking yourself if you’re struggling with any of the following fears.
Fear of being unwanted
It’s a tall order to have your S.O. make you feel wanted all the time. You’re both bound to get busy; one of you will take the other for granted. And while it’s healthy to regularly bring up conversations about your concerns, it’s not good if you question the relationship altogether.
Solution: Learn how to love yourself on your own. How can you expect to believe that someone wants you if you don’t feel desirable yourself? I like to think of love in a relationship like a house: you need a solid foundation (self-love) before you can add the frame (the relationship).
Fear of not being enough
This trait is beautiful in that you most likely see the worth of other people in your lives, but not so great you don’t see it in yourself. I understand wanting to feel like “enough,” but all of us are inherently enough. We can strive to be great partners, but at the end of the day, we can’t change how valuable we are as people.
Solution: Focus a bit more on your life. Your goal should be to feel pride in yourself, not your existence in a relationship. Through creating a life you love, you’ll automatically show up as a better partner.
Fear of settling
The age-old question. How do you know if you’re being picky or settling? You wonder what it would be like to be with a partner who is more X and a little less Y and different kind of Z. This comes down to a tricky bastard of a design as humans. We continuously have urges and think to give into them is in our best interest.
Solution: Are you happy? Does your partner respect and challenge you? Do you still laugh together? Because thinking you’ll find someone like your partner but with all those extra qualities is buying into the fallacy that high expectations create for us. A perfect partner isn’t out there. But having a partner you can build and work on a relationship with is the next best thing.
Fear of being alone
When you’re worried that everything might end over one argument, how can you ever feel happy in a relationship? You ask “what if I lose my job, will you still love me?” and teeter on either over-worrying or withdrawing completely. Wanting peace, security, and stability is a great goal, but not when it extends into your ability to enjoy the present.
Solution: Your best bet is to do everything you can to focus on the present. It’s the part of your life you’ll come closest to having control over. Research mindfulness techniques. Engage with your partner in the moment by putting your phone down and giving them your full attention.
Fear of being unseen
If this fear resonates with you, you probably have a lot of self-awareness. You feel deeply, and have intricate thoughts about your existence, past, and wants in life. The level of emotional experience is something you want to share with your partner, simply because it feels so much a part of you.
Solution: By all means, share your experience with your partner. If they don’t have the words to talk about those feelings, guide and give them time. But before you jump into any rash decisions of leaving, consider the value you’re letting your feelings hold over your life. You are not your feelings. And your life won’t live up to the fantasy of a special life those feelings create for you.
Until next week... stay sane & healthy.
All the love,
I sent my semi-completed draft to a developmental editor. AKA, she’s giving it a one-over and helping me make sure the structure makes sense for what I’m trying to accomplish.
I still have about 5 more essays to write, specifically concerned with creating a thriving relationship.
This little bit is for all of my fellow writers. Did you know I co-host a mastermind for content writers?
It’s a community for ambitious writers who want to learn straightforward information on how the business works. We host two events each month: a workshop and live Q&A. Our next event is our Q&A on July 2nd, where you can ask any and all your questions.
Interested? Check it out here or email me with questions!
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