Ways To Grow Closer To An Anxious Person
Hey hopeful romantic,
Last week I wrote about the bad reps that avoidantly attached people get and how to grow closer to them. So naturally, I want to talk about anxiously attached people this week.
If you took the read the link I sent previously about attachment styles or took the quiz I included, then you already know about anxiously attached people. Which may have you thinking...
“Why do I need tips for growing closer to someone anxious? Don’t they crave connection naturally?”
And to that, I say: you’re absolutely right. But it might not be the healthiest connection.
Anxiously attached people fear intimacy being ripped away from them. They worry people will abandon them, causing an anxious person to cling to people and seek their approval.
While you might think that soothing someone’s anxiety or assuring you’ll never leave is the answer, it could be making things worse. Excuse me for a second while I make a dog metaphor; I’m currently fostering a puppy, so I can’t help but think about the training I’m doing with her.
When a puppy whines, most people want to assure them. They coddle and kiss and do that high-pitch doggy voice. And what that tells the puppy is: if I whine, I receive attention and love. So why the fork would they stop?
I’ve been careful with my foster not to reinforce her whining. Because even if it feels a little wrong at first, I know it’s better for her in the long-run.
So am I saying to ignore someone who reaches out to you with an anxious attachment? HELL NO. Am I saying their behaviors or somehow wrong or they should be treated like a puppy? Again, NOOO.
But there are ways to grow closer to an anxiously attached person while also making them feel more secure in their relationships. Because it doesn’t feel good to have so much anxiety in a relationship. We want to feel more secure.
So let’s get into those ways to connect:
Express gratitude towards them and the things they do.
Instead of assuring an anxious person that you’ll never leave, showing gratitude is much more effective. Researchers in Germany found that gratitude lessened a person’s anxiety in the long-run.
Gratitude can come in many forms. A simple “I appreciate having you in my life” could go a long way. You can tell your partner how grateful you are when they cook you a meal or grab you a glass of water.
Plus, showing gratitude has many benefits for you—a win-win.
Listen to them when they need to vent.
Communicate to your partner that you’re there to listening when their anxiety feels overwhelming. People often underestimate the power of just being a pair of ears who will hear someone out.
You don’t need to try to fix things. You don’t need to come up with a solution. Just put your phone down, listen, and ask questions if something doesn’t make sense or you want to know more.
Keep the promises you make.
I can’t stress enough that consistency matters to someone with an anxious attachment. When you make a promise to them, even if it’s the smallest of promises, keep it.
The small act tells your partner they can rely on you. While it might not seem like a big thing, it might be to someone who experienced inconsistency for the people closest to them.
Show love in the love language.
Learning about love languages is great because you can better connect with someone. You may show love by doing the dishes or grabbing your boo a glass of water, but they may receive love best through physical touch.
That can create a disconnect in the relationship. But by simply asking your partner what their love language is or taking this quiz to find out, you can better show affection to them, a quick route to creating a sense of security.
Communicate what you’re thinking and feeling during an argument.
Arguments shake the world of anxiously attached people to its core. They might experience all sorts of emotions like worry, discomfort, fear, panic, and confusion. But this is all because they associate arguments (or any unrest in the relationship) as a potential end of the relationship.
While I don’t expect you to say “I’m not leaving you” during every argument, I am saying let your partner into your mind. Explain what you’re feeling, what you want to accomplish with the argument, and state if you need to breathe to cool down. Essentially: communicate.
Create a co-regulation routine.
“Co-regulation is the first step on the pathway to self-regulation.”
—Michael McKnight
Co-regulation is a positive interaction between a couple that supports and helps someone understand, express, and modulate their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. It happens on both a physical and chemical level and can work wonders for an anxiously attached person.
A co-regulation routine could be as simple as a long hug each time you come home from work. For my boyfriend and I, we cuddle before I go to sleep (because he’s a gamer and stays up later than me) every night.
Eventually, this will help your partner feel more secure.
It might feel like the answer to helping your anxiously attached partner is to assure that their anxious thoughts are wrong. But these tips will help your anxious partner or friend feel more secure, which, in my opinion as an anxiously attached person, will do them good in the long-run.
This week’s task: Reply to this email and let me know who’s anxiously attached in your life and which of these tips you’re going to start using! I read all your emails and try to respond to as many as possible.
Until next week, my amazing reader!
All the love,
Kirstie
P.S. If you want to improve your love life and haven’t grabbed a copy of my new book, What I Wish I Knew About Love, make sure to now! Pre-order here.
Content I Loved:
If Putting Yourself First Feels Weird, Read This
The most common relationship issues for cohabiting couples right now
There Are at Least 8 Different Romantic Orientations
Ask Polly: ‘I’m Not Ready for Isolation to End!’
Dear Sugar: Redux: Haunted by Ghosting (Podcast)
A Year at Home Showed People New Sides of Their Loved Ones
Articles I Wrote:
How Dating Someone with a Secure Attachment Helps My Anxiety
How to Tell If Someone Is Safe to Be Vulnerable With
5 Powerful Dating Standards That Can Help You Find Fulfilling Love
I can follow you the way you think, greetings