I had an interesting influx of dating questions come into my DMs this past week. Each one of them had a running theme, of which was something I struggled when I was younger and a hopeless romantic.
All these people wanted to know why the person they are dating/interested in didn’t give them the kind of attention they wanted. Of course, the questions didn’t sound as self-aware as that. They were framed in a way of “she texts me all day one day but then goes silent for weeks” or “He flirts with me but never asks me out on a date.”
And to all of these people, I have the hard-hitting advice that an entire movie was created from: they’re just not that into you. There’s no way around that when someone doesn’t give you the time of day or prioritize you in their life, that they’re just not that interested in dating. Sure, there may be some interest, but not enough to create a thriving relationship.
And while everyone wants to harp on why it is the other person isn’t interested, I’m more concerned with why the person doesn’t think they deserve more. Because when you put up with someone treating you in a way that’s less than what you want, you’re essentially saying that behavior is OK.
This week’s email is going to be two-fold. I’m going to talk about the obvious and not-so-obvious signs someone isn’t into you. Then we’re going to talk about why you’re ok with that behavior and how to change your own beliefs.
It’s going to be a good one, so let’s jump right into it:
Signs Someone Isn’t Into You
They’re inconsistent with communication. This includes the person that doesn’t text you for weeks. If someone is interested in you, they will let you know. Mixed signals are clear signals.
Making plans is something you have to do. You’re the one always planning dates. They just seem like they’re along for the ride.
They’re not interested in your life. You ask questions about their life but they rarely ask about yours. It’s not because your life isn’t exciting, it’s because you’re not a good match.
They’re wary about making things official. In other words, they’re keeping their options open. They don’t see a future with you so, why commit?
Sex feels carnal, rather than emotional. Do they cuddle after sex or rush to put on their clothes? Sex isn’t a good indicator of their interest but how they act after is.
You feel like something is off. Your intuition is usually right. Our guts aren’t clouded by emotions. If something seems weird, then something is probably up.
They’re more interested in their screen. Looking at their phone is more interesting than enjoying your time together. They always seem to be making new plans or scrolling through Instagram.
What it means that you ignore the signs:
When you allow someone to treat you as less than you want, you’re saying that behavior is OK. Not just to them, but yourself, too. You’re compromising on your boundaries and telling yourself that you don’t deserve someone who is genuinely interested in you as you are them.
I used to chase men that weren’t all that interested in me. I also clung on to anyone that would give me attention— regardless of my feelings for them— and ultimately hurting us both in the end.
I suffered from a lot of insecurities and a lack of self-worth. I let other people define my value by their mere presence in my life, rather than defining it for myself.
Believing you deserve more and acting on it:
If I had to take a guess (which I do, that’s the point of this newsletter), you probably resonated with the above. If you’re honest with yourself, you can see how you try to be with people that aren’t a good match or reciprocating your affection. And you might be feeling a little silly, or a lot, just like I did when I made that realization.
But there’s not use in shame around this subject. People make these kinds of unuseful dating decisions because of reasons that date as far back as their childhood. All you can do now is address them for what they are and move forward to change them.
What it all boils down to is boundaries and self-worth. Make a list of behaviors you are and aren’t willing to put up with from someone you date. Remind yourself how worthy of spectacular love you are while you make said list. And next time someone crosses one of those boundaries, either speak up or move on to a new relationship while you remember how much you deserve that spectacular love that’s out there.
Some helpful content…
Self-confidence, from someone who had none for years. Dating and boundaries can go together, here’s a book on it. Practicing self-confidence makes yours stronger. A little bit of science behind intuition.
Until next week... stay sane & healthy.
All the love,
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