There's A Secure Attachment In You
Hey hopeful romantic,
I’ve been brushing up on attachment styles this week in preparation for my Attachment Workshop (Use the discount code WWK10 if you want to join!).
I started the book The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller today. I was just a chapter in when one of her sentences stopped me in my tracks. It’s something I’ve thought about but didn’t know how to express correctly.
“Although secure attachment can sound out of reach or like a fantasy goal for many of us, it’s how were fundamentally designed to operate.No matter how unattainable it seems, secure attachment is always there, just waiting to be uncovered, recalled, practiced, and expressed.”
To put it simply: a secure attachment is in our DNA.
Think of it this way: it’s like every person starts as vanilla cake. Depending on how your parents raise you and the kind of relationships you experience throughout your life, certain ingredients are thrown into the recipe.
Maybe you’ll end up as a funfetti cake with anxiety around intimacy. Or maybe you’ll end up as a chocolate cake, avoiding intimacy because you’re scared it’ll hurt you.
But unlike a cake, you can take ingredients out. You can work on your attachment style to revert back to the secure one we’re all born with.
And let me pause right here and say that I’m not equating a secure attachment to vanilla, boring cake (which, btw, vanilla is one of my favorite flavors). A secure attachment doesn’t mean someone has zero personality.
But it does mean expressing your emotions when they come up, not being scared to form a close bond with people, and not letting your relationships consume your life.
You may think that’s far out of reach, but research shows it’s already inside you. It takes some work to uncover, but a secure attachment is possible.
I like to think of my healing in this way: I’m always working on becoming more secure in my anxious attachment. I’m not trying to get rid of attachment altogether; I want to make it more manageable.
It’s the same mindset I have for my depression and anxiety. If I stress about trying to get to a point where neither is ever a problem again, then I’ll be blind-sighted if they ever do come back up.
I’d rather be prepared than sorry. But my point is that, with work, I can become more secure (my original state).
So when I came across that quote by Diane, it gave me added confidence in the work I’m doing to feel less anxious around love. Hopefully, this realization does the same for you.
Again, if feeling more secure in your love life is a top priority for you, I highly suggest joining me for my attachment workshop. Even if you can’t make it live, I’ll be sending out a recording after.
This week’s activity: Let me know what you think about the idea that a secure attachment is somewhere inside you. I read and try to reply to all the emails everyone sends me!
Until next week ❤️
All the love,
Kirstie
Content You’ll Love:
How to Escape the Happiness Guilt Trap
When Unconditional Love Becomes the Groundwork for an Authentic Life
Feelings That Are Easily Mistaken For Love
Trauma bonding: "I was lovebombed by a friend"
Change Your Dating Mindset (with Anwar White) (Podcast)
9 Quotes with the Power to Change How You Think About Love
Understanding Emotional Vulnerability (Podcast)