The Truth About Attraction
Hey, hopeful romantic!
How do you define attraction?
Some gauge it by the butterflies they feel when they first glimpse someone.
Or the intensity of the “spark” on a first date.
Either way, many people would agree with this: attraction is either there or it’s not.
But I’m not one of those people.
In fact, my relationship with my boyfriend disproves that theory.
Because the kind of attraction I feel for my boyfriend wasn’t always there.
We were friends for a couple of years before the idea of asking him on a date popped into my mind. But even then, I broke things off after three dates because I still bought into the old notion that if I didn’t feel a spark, things weren’t meant to be.
Luckily, we gave dating another shot.
And though I admired the person my boyfriend is, and we got along really well, the attraction took time to grow.
Now, almost three years into our relationship, I’m glad I changed how I view the beginning of relationships, specifically when it comes to attraction.
In Deeper Dating, Ken Page describes how attraction is a spectrum. We can feel it in many different ways, and it’s not black or white like many people think.
Yet, people often chase their most intense attractions, only to find those don’t lead to fulfilling relationships.
An attraction that’s a better indicator of a fulfilling relationship consists of two things:
A person’s qualities and values.
If the person brings out the best in you.
True attraction exists on a much deeper level than just looks and the kind of hobbies the other person has, even though we’ve been told differently.
Taking the time to really get to know who someone is, rather than making a snap decision based off their looks, will be a game-changer for your love life.
Don’t believe me? Then give it a try…
The next time you meet someone who you enjoy being around and believe is a great person, either ask them on a date or give them a few more dates to see if the attraction grows.
When you feel that urge to flee, especially if it’s based on someone’s outside appearances, challenge yourself to stay.
I’m not saying to do this forever, but give yourself a fighting chance to create an attraction based of the deeper parts of a person and not just how they look and dress.
If after 5 or 6 dates, you still don’t feel a deeper connection, then so be it. You gave things a fair shot.
But when the time comes that you do feel that attraction, you’ll be glad you didn’t flee like the times you did before.
The fact is, repeating the same dating patterns and expecting different outcomes is a facet of insanity. To experience change, you have to change something.
Changing how you could view attraction could be exactly what you need.
Reply and let me know your thoughts on this! Or if you’re in a relationship where the attraction grew. I’d love to hear from you!
Until next week!
All the love,
Kirstie
My Links:
If you want to feel more secure in your love life, check out my Anxious Attachment Workshop.
Did you know I wrote a book about love? Grab your copy here.
Check out my live dating show every Thursday at 5:30 pm PST!
Content You’ll Love:
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This is Dating Podcast: Death of Desirability?
Who's Showing Up For Your Date? w/ Lair Torrent
Having an Avoidant Attachment Style Isn’t a Relationship Death Sentence
Why “starting over” is the bravest thing I’ll ever do
Podcast: Essential Relationship Skills
How to Practice Self-Acceptance: My Top 5 Tips
Hi! I’m Kirstie
I help anxious people who don’t feel good enough for love understand their worth and find fulfilling love.
For over a decade, I was in one relationship after another with people who mistreated me or were emotionally unavailable. All of that ended when I took a year break from dating and read a book called Attached.
Learning about attachment styles changed my life. It opened doors like discovering my lack of boundaries and inability to ask for my needs to be met.
Today, I write and coach to help people through the same journey. You don’t have to feel so anxious, insecure, and uncertain when it comes to love.
I want to help you feel confident and find the love you deserve.
Want to learn more about working with me? Book a discovery call.