The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Love
Hey hopeful romantic,
We made it through another week. I’m sitting here, drinking a strong cup of coffee and thinking about a piece I just read by Sharon Salzberg. She explained how strongly the stories we tell ourselves about love affect our happiness.
But, before we get into this week’s content, I want to mention one thing:
Healthy relationships don’t happen by accident.
I’ve read countless comments from people who resent their partner. I’ve watched many people talk about how they always get bored in relationships. Even movies depict long-term love as something that’s bound to become dull and lifeless.
I call BS.
It’s possible to bring the excitement back into your relationship. You can experience new feelings and deepen your connection, no matter how long you’ve been together.
And that’s because a healthy relationship happens with intention.
That’s why I dedicated an entire section of my new book, What I Wish I Knew About Love, to creating a thriving relationship. I included exercises for better communication and questions to get to know each other on a deeper level (even if you’ve been together for years).
If you want to put more intention into your relationship, order my book below. And if you order it after seeing this email, reply with your order number, and I’ll send you my free Boundaries Guide.
Now back to why I’m in your inbox this week.
In 2013, I was driving home with my boyfriend at the time from a week-long road trip up the west coast of the US. We’d just passed the Napa region when my boyfriend told me he wanted to breakup. We still had 5 hours of our car ride left.
Now, our relationship was far from perfect. But, being an impressionable 21-year old, I thought that’s what love looked like. It didn’t matter if we fought all the time, and he treated me like the gum stuck on his shoe; I was ready to endure the pain I thought was love.
So when my then-boyfriend uttered the words “break-up,” my brain scrambled to make sense of everything. I begged him not to leave me, but nothing I said changed his mind.
And it was in the moment that I disregarded all the crude comments he made about my body and forgot all the times he threatened to leave me. Instead of recognizing our relationship for the dumpster fire it was, I filled the gap between the love I thought we had and our breakup with, “I’m unlovable and unworthy.”
I carried that belief with me for years to come. I didn’t care to find a person who treated me well; I only cared if I could be with someone who wanted me.
I craved validation but subconsciously sought relationships that confirmed my belief that I wasn’t worthy of love.
All because of a story I told myself during a car-ride home from San Francisco.
These stories happen all the time. A parent may have left you when you were a child, and you told yourself you’re not worthy of someone staying. You may have lost your job, and you engrained the idea in your head that you’re not smart enough.
Or maybe you were in a physically abusive relationship, and now, you don’t believe you deserve to be safe.
These stories then manifest in a slew of different emotions: jealousy, anger, self-pity, anxiety, depression, rage, desperation.
That’s when our stories start affecting our happiness and aspects of our life like romance.
But will your stories forever grip your throat? Do you have to live being guided by beliefs you would rather opt-out of?
No. Not in the least bit.
You have the ability to re-write these stories. In fact, you’re better off doing that work now rather than let misguided notions guide your life any longer.
So now, of course, let’s get into just how to do this:
Take note of your reactions/emotions.
Are you someone who often feels jealous? Do you easily snap at your partner during arguments? Does sadness and distance plague every close relationship you have in your life?
Those heavy-hitting emotions are often manifestations of our underlying stories of ourselves. By becoming aware they exist, you can start to dig to the root of them.
Ask yourself where they’re coming from.
If you can’t help but feel jealous of your best friend’s accomplishments, why do you think that is? Perhaps you believe there’s only so much joy and success to go around. Or maybe you were never encouraged to accomplish your dreams.
Does the mere thought of your boyfriend “going out with the guys” make your stomach turn with jealousy? Try questioning why that is. Usually, jealously stems from a lack of self-worth or someone breaking your trust in the past.
Offer yourself compassion for feeling the way you do.
Once you pinpoint those stories that aren’t serving you, offer yourself some kindness. There’s no use in beating yourself up about your beliefs. You formed them as a means to make sense of the world or keep you safe.
So now it’s time to say, I recognize that I’m feeling ____ and that’s OK.
Create an anti-belief for that belief you want to get rid of.
At this point, once you’ve offered yourself some kindness, you can start to re-write those beliefs. When you recognize that you’re acting from a place where you believe you’re unworthy of love, repeat to yourself something like, “I am worthy of love, regardless of what happens to me.”
Over time, replacing your faulty stories with healthier ones will make your original beliefs disappear.
Sure, it may take time. You may even want to consider doing this work with a therapist (in which case, you can find affordable therapy here).
But just know, your beliefs don’t have to control your life anymore. I’d know because I work through mine every day. It gets better.
If you have any thoughts, questions, or concerns, reply to this email! I’m always open to talking.
Until next week, my lovely reader.
Xoxo,
Kirstie
Content I Loved:
How Our Relationships Affect What We Eat
Fighting Fair Is a Skill—Here Are 12 Therapist-Approved Tips
Feeling Lonely? Wearing Cat Ears May Help
Are You Really Sorry? Here’s a Therapist’s Checklist To Stop Over-Apologizing
‘I Only Want to Date Men Who’ve Been Through Therapy!’
11 Low-Key Valentine's Day Date Ideas For New Couples
Articles I Wrote:
Ask iris: "My boyfriend is still friends with someone he slept with. Should I be worried?"
6 Expectations That Are Healthy To Have For Your Relationship