The Most Important Quality To Look For In A Partner

Welcome to the world of EQ.

Nov 01, 2019

Dating can be daunting — how do you decide if someone will be a good partner? What if you don’t have the same taste in music? Or they put the toilet paper roll on the wrong way? What if they despise brunch?

Jk, or at least I hope you’re kidding because all of that is pretty inconsequential when it comes to compatibility.

No one is going to be perfect; you need to accept that.

Nor can you ever know what your ideal partner looks like until you experience it. Sure, some of us have a vague idea, but growing as individuals together rides on more than attractiveness or whether they think Stranger Things is cinematic genius (it is).

After going through a few too many men, I realized I dated for the wrong reasons. My insecurities ran rampant while I committed to asshats that lacked an essential quality that I need from my romantic partner.

Emotional intelligence, also known as EQ, is the quality I didn’t realize I needed from someone until I had it.

EQ is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions. It’s also the ability to realize your impact on others. Instead of bottling up or being completely unaware of what you’re feeling, you have the words and awareness to express your emotions.

You can spot someone with high emotional intelligence by noticing the following:

They pause and think before they say
They don’t lash out
They can admit when they’re wrong
They give genuine praise/compliments
They keep commitments
They don’t make empty promises
They don’t play games

Communication and expression of feelings are cited as the number one reason for divorce. Couples aren’t communicating well. They’re not expressing their needs. They’re creating rifts and emotional barriers that ultimately ruin their relationship.

I cared about a lot of qualities in a partner; the ability to express their emotions was not among them. I sought looks, success, exciting hobbies, how cool my friends would think they are. But then I went on a one-year dating hiatus. I decided to readjust my mindset on dating.

Then I met my current boyfriend. We set aside a time every week to check-in with each other. We express how we feel with no judgment or hatred. His high emotional intelligence helps me raise mine. And things are fucking great.

If you’re lucky enough to find someone with a high EQ, appreciate them. In today’s technology-heavy society, genuine communication isn’t prioritized.

But if you find someone to be in an emotionally intelligent relationship with, you can enjoy:

Shared empathy
Critical communication without heated arguments
Space to express how you feel
A safe person to be vulnerable with
Shorter arguments
Less doubt about the relationship
And plenty more healthy behaviors

Because when you can communicate well, you’re going to be able to ride out the roller coaster of life/your relationship together. A horrible fight won’t be an end-all (they may even happen a whole lot less). Any significant life changes will be discussed and handled healthily.

A committed relationship is a big decision. Things get difficult; obstacles are inevitable. Don’t choose to ride the roller coaster with someone who’s going to go to bed angry.

Tips For Raising Your EQ:

1. Become Self-Aware AF

This is the core of emotional intelligence: identifying your feelings. Start noticing what triggers you; what makes you sad, angry, or happy. Write those feelings down on a piece of paper. Start to come up with new emotional vocab other than “fine” or “good.”

2. Practice Empathy IRL

The ability to understand another’s emotions will help you strengthen your bond with them. Listen to what they say, ask questions if you need to, and, most importantly, don’t be an asshat.

3. Control Your Temper Tantrums

When you lash out at people, you're reactive. That means you’re letting your emotions get the best of you. Instead, trying responding. If your initial reaction is to yell, take a moment to pause. Breathe. Consider why it is this emotion is coming up. Then, once you’re level-headed, respond from a place of wanting to better the situation.

4. Sit Down, Be Humble

Humility is a prime indicator of a high EQ. Practice the shit out of it. Allow your ego to take a little blow now and then. It’s hard to admit we’re wrong, but refusing to be so is detrimental to yourself and your relationships.

To show up as the best partner you can be, you have to be the best version of yourself. Don’t stress about being perfect, though. As I said, no one is, not even you. But working on raising your EQ will help you attract a partner with a higher one as well.

Xoxo All the love,

Kirstie