The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

May 28, 2021

Hey hopeful romantic,

First off, thank you to everyone who bought a ticket to my Anxious Attachment workshop! It sold out in 48 hours, and I’m truly stunned.

If you didn’t grab a ticket in time, I have good news for you!

I created a second date for the same event. I’ll only be doing these two dates, and the event is limited, so claim your ticket while you still can!

Use WWK10 for a discount as a thank you from me to you ❤️

Grab Your Ticket

*If you can’t make the live event, a recording will be sent out after.*

Now on to why I’m in your inbox this week.

I first learned about attachment styles while reading a book called Attached. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Maybe not. Either way, make sure you read it because it’ll blow your mind.

The section about an anxious attachment style felt like a friend describing all the things I struggled with. Then I got to pg. 153, and my mind was blown.

The authors described the “Anxious-Avoidant Trap,” which was like reading someone describing most of my past relationships.

When an anxious person feels a threat to their relationship (like a fight, the feeling their partner is pulling away), they try to be closer to their partner. But an anxiously attached person does the opposite; they pull away.

But that causes the anxious person to try to seek more intimacy and the avoidant person to pull further away. This cycle continues until both people feel emotionally drained.

That’s why research shows that relationships between anxious and avoidant people rarely work out. Neither person’s needs for intimacy are ever met.

So let’s talk about the signs of an anxious-avoidant trap.

Hot and cold behavior.

One day your partner may be showering you with adoration, but the next, they’ll push you away and pick fights whenever they can. An avoidant person feels threatened by closeness, so they quickly pull away after.

The closer you are to your partner, the more you feel like they dislike you.

Things were great at the beginning of the relationship, but now it seems like your partner never wants to be around you. This hurts you, and you try to fix it.

You’re both unsatisfied, no matter how long you’ve been together.

There’s always a fight or something missing in the relationship. You don’t remember a time when you were ever truly satisfied.

Your gut says things are working, yet you don’t leave.

If you take a step back from things, you know you could be happier, but you’re too scared to leave. You also feel like you’re too emotionally invested to give up now.

You have the same fights over and over.

And they tend to be about things that don’t matter. Your partner will start an argument over insignificant scenarios time and time again, even though they’re not looking for a solution.

There’s a power imbalance.

You feel inferior to your partner, or maybe they make remarks about how much better they are than you. When their insecurities are triggered, they put you down. When yours are triggered, you put yourself down.

If you feel like you’re stuck in an anxious-avoidant trap, you might think that’s just how relationships are. You can’t fathom that a healthy relationship can feel so much better.

I know. I’ve been there. But boy was I wrong.

It’s better to get out of this trap sooner than later so you can start living your life.

Read Attached and Google articles on becoming more secure. Learn how to spot the signs of an avoidant person. And hey, join my workshop if you so please!

But at the very least, know there’s a world out there where you don’t have to play this game of cat and mouse. And it feels pretty damn good.

This week’s activity: Do you know your attachment style? How about your exes’ attachment styles (which can help you reveal your dating patterns)?

This quiz can help you figure those out. Feel free to reply and let me know what your results are!

Until next week ❤️

All the love,

Kirstie