I’ve been interviewing people for a new article I’m writing about dating. It’s been insightful to talk to real people, in the thick of their dating process.
So this week, I want to talk about everything deal-breakers; how to determine what yours are and modern deal-breakers that people are adopting.
I consider a deal-breaker to be a cooler term for ~boundary~ (which I’ve talked a lot about and am a BIG fan of). Essentially, how firm are you on what you won’t accept from someone you date vs. what you will?
The fact is, everyone’s deal-breakers are different.
For me, it’s a no-go if you drink/smoke/party too much. It’s not that I care about that in other people, but since it’s not really my jam, I prefer to steer clear of romantic interests who prefer them.
That’s just one of mine. I have several more.
When you’re not clear on what your deal-breakers are, you’re making yourself vulnerable to a lot of unnecessary pain. If you don’t like it when someone does X, why in the world would you continue dating someone who does?
You’re going to end up feeling violated or resent the other person and therein lies why many people are in unhappy relationships.
So let’s talk about questions to ask yourself on how to determine your deal-breakers:
What’re your values? Morals?
Your values are qualities you value most in life: loyalty, honesty, trust, humor, optimism, health-driven, etc.
Your values drive your morals: don’t cheat, be kind to everyone, be dependable, don’t steal, don’t make fun of people at their expense, etc.
You might think “all of the above” when answering this question. But really hone in on which matter most to you.
What irks you most in other people?
What’re your pet peeves? Do you hate when people are late? Does it make your skin crawl when people are messy? What about inappropriate jokes or lewd behavior?
Your irks in people in general translate directly into your deal-breakers for dating someone.
What hasn’t worked for you in the past?
Think of your past dates/relationships. What did you dislike the most? What qualities in them clashed with yours and caused arguments?
Reflection on past relationships is so key to finding better relationships. We learn from experiencing what we do and don’t like.
What’re the qualities you don’t like in yourself?
No, this isn’t a trick question. Often, people who exemplify parts of ourselves that we don’t like make us feel even worse about ourselves. You can either work on your insecurities, or you can avoid people that trigger you.
I’d suggest both… just my opinion.
Some Modern Day Deal-Breakers:
Differing social media habits. In fact, my boo and I argued about this the other day. If you don’t know, I’m on social media. And my partner? He’s not. Sometimes I’d like him to be in more of my posts, but it’s not a deal-breaker for me. But for others, it could be.
Bad texter. It’s perfectly OK to value texting in a relationship. If a point of contention tends to be the person you’re dating’s texting habits, find someone who meets your needs instead.
Being flaky. No one likes to be canceled on. It’s just plain rude. Only you can decide how many times you’re willing to put up with it before you’re just like.. Nah.
Maturity. I don’t know what it is about people in the dating world these days, but maturity isn’t the easiest quality to come by. When you’re managing a successful career and adulting at your A-game, it’s nice to find someone else who is, too.
Not getting off dating apps. Once you’ve been dating someone for months, it’s reasonable to expect them to get off dating apps. If the issue arises, have a convo with them. If they’re not willing to delete, you might need to delete them instead.
Caring about the issues. Nowadays, people care about causes—a lot. So if the person your dating doesn’t agree with you about things like climate change, systemic racism, Trump or immigration laws, that might be your deal-breaker.
Whatever your deal-breaker is, stand firm in it. Just like creating boundaries, don’t let someone violate what you want in a great partner. It’s up to you to draw the line.
Until next week... stay sane & healthy.
All the love,
I’m still waiting on my draft to come back from the editor I hired. I can’t wait to see what she says.
In the meantime, if you know of any great podcasts that I’d be a good fit as a guest for, let me know! I’ll be reaching out to podcasts, blogs, and IGTV shows later this year (Which is very much my jam. I love interviews).
This little bit is for all of my fellow writers. Did you know I co-host a mastermind for content writers?
It’s a community for ambitious writers who want to learn straightforward information on how the business works. We host two events each month: a workshop and live Q&A. Our next event is our Q&A on July 2nd, where you can ask any and all your questions.
Interested? Check it out here or email me with questions!
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