Hey hopeful romantics,
This week, we're talking about dating in an age where it feels like a lot of people don't want something serious. Here in Los Angeles, people joke around about how no one wants to commit to one person when there are hundreds of more people out there.
*cue laughter and internal sobs*
For some people, they don't care; they're not interested in a long-term relationship, so that's a perfect situation for them.
But if you're a reader of this newsletter, you're probably not like the above (I don't call you hopeful romantics for nothing).
Your issues with dating most likely stems from not being able to find someone. And maybe the problem doesn't have to do with you; it has to do with people's intentions.
About a year and a half ago, I was sitting in Whole Foods. I'd grabbed some sushi and a kombucha and sat inside their cafe area while it poured rain outside. A rare sighting for LA, so I enjoyed looking at the window and being with my thoughts.
Two guys sat at the table across the walkway from me. Both were wearing Reebok gym shorts and Nike tanks. I'd say they most likely came from the gym but, in LA, athletic clothes are essentially business clothes.
The two started talking about their romantic lives.
"I'm free as can be and loving it," one guy said.
"Great, man. I actually just met a girl," explained the other guy, "she's amazing. Beautiful, smart, funny, adventurous. But sometimes I get this voice in the back of my mind saying to explore what else is out there."
"Yea, don't settle. There are so many women out there. You can always find something better."
It took every ounce of restraint in me not to say something.
Fast-forward to three weeks ago. I was talking to my friend who lives in Vienna. She was telling me about what it's like to date out there.
"It's very dating app heavy. People use Tinder and Bumble. But I feel like no one wants anything serious," she sighed, "You can be on a date, things are going well, then all of a sudden they don't text back, or they're swiping on more girls while you're in the bathroom."
Hearing this from my good friend, whose ambitious, fun, caring, and beautiful made me upset. She wants a serious relationship, but it seems people think there are better options out there.
And clearly, there's truth in her concerns.
Dating apps have been a godsend for meeting people you wouldn't usually meet. Hell, my current roommate met his girlfriend on Coffee Meets Bagel, and they're freakin' adorable together.
On the other side of the spectrum, dating apps have also made it possible for people to be flakey, always search for better options, and hide their agendas. Again, it's OK not to look for something serious.
But if you are someone who is looking for a relationship, this can feel disheartening.
The fact is, nothing I type in this newsletter will magically change this fact. There will always be people who just want to hook up, casually date, or aren't sure of what they want.
But we can talk about two things:
The signs someone wants something serious
Stating your intentions straight away.
Signs someone wants something serious.
They make plans to see you. You don't have to be the one to make plans. Before the date even ends, they mention wanting to see you again.
They ask about your life. The conversation is an even balance between them talking about themself and you talking about yourself. The same goes for asking each other questions.
They're OK with waiting on sexual stuff. You want to wait? No biggie. Since they're in it for the long-haul, they're OK with waiting until you're comfortable to be intimate.
They don't hide you from friends. You're not meeting in secret alleyways, going through the backdoor of restaurants. Kidding— if they're for real doing that, run. But they are meeting you in public and maybe even with their friends involved.
They respond to your texts. You don't go days without hearing from them and then receive a random "sorry I've been busy," text. Communication flows, and you don't have to force their response.
But if you want to be safe, speak up.
I love my friends from before, and I've been in her shoes, but she could've avoided these shady men by being straight forward.
I've had guys (on dating apps, before I even gave them my number) ask what I was looking for. Some did that because they didn't want anything serious. Others did that because they did.
I commend all of those men. There's no use in jumping into the deep end and hoping theirs no sharks. Why not check the water first? What do you have to lose?
Your energy and time are valuable; you don't want to waste it on someone who doesn't have the same intentions as you. If you know you want a relationship, tell the other person. Ask what they're looking for.
It'll help you weed out a lot of wrongs much quicker.
Some helpful content…
A real-life perspective from more dating writers on the latest dating trends. When you worry no one will ever love you like you want to be loved. An overall great guide to dating by none other than Mark Manson. And lastly, for those who have never been in a "serious" relationship.
Announcement: I've launched an advice column with iris Dating, Ask iris. If you want, write-in a question for the chance for me to not only answer it but have it published on their blog, EQ! (Anonymously, of course)
Until next week... stay sane & healthy.
All the love,
I'm looking for beta readers!
If you want to be part of the process of creating my book, shoot me an email. You won't have to read the whole book, just a few chapters, so you can give me feedback.
I'd be eternally grateful. 💕
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