Should You Try Harder or Let Go?

The fine line between reviving something great and dragging out what needs to end.

Feb 26, 2021

Hey hopeful romantics,

I recently started a Tiktok series which prompted an article I wrote on Medium. Essentially, it’s me reflecting on all the red flags from my past relationships that were signs things needed to end.

I’ve stayed in relationships well past their expiration date; gave too many seventh, eighth, and ninth chances to people I wasn’t a good match with.

Reflecting on this made me think: when should you put more effort into a relationship and how do you know if you should let it go?

So this week, let’s talk about that.

But first, if you’re in a relationship, I need to ask you a few things:

Have things gotten a little stale? Is your communication suffering? How much effort do you both put into your relationship (and no, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together)?

A happy, thriving relationship doesn’t just happen; it requires intention.

If you’re not happy with your answers above, then you may want to check out my new book, What I Wish I Knew About Love.

It’s packed full of lessons and activities to help you build a healthy relationship, including:

Ways to Show Your Partner Respect
The Dos and Dont’s of Arguing
Questions to Ask Your Partner to Understand Them on a Deeper Level
Ways to Fall Even More in Love with Your Partner

If this sounds like exactly what you need, order my book below. If you do, send me an email with your order number, and I’ll send you my Boundaries Guide as a token of my gratitude. ❤️

Order Here!

Now back to this week’s newsletter…

It’s not easy when something ends: whether that be a friendship, relationship, or a phenomenal book. But that’s how life works; not everything is meant to last forever.

For us hopeful romantics or anxious lovers, it’s in our nature to put in all the energy we have into our love lives. There’s always more effort we can put in; always another conversation to have that you think may be the relationship’s saving grace.

Because endings can feel scary. They mean a lot of things: change, discomfort, uncertainty. But sometimes, parting ways is the best choice; for the sake of your happiness and theirs.

When you drag out a relationship or friendship that’s well past its expiration date, it’s pretty miserable; the tears, anger, and resentment aren’t worth it. I’ve been there too many times.

So how then do you decide if your current love dilemma is worth trying harder or if it’s time to let go? Well, I want you to ask yourself if you’re experiencing any of the following:

You’ve become someone who’s not the person you want to be.

Relationships shape us. Sometimes that happens in great ways, like how my current boyfriend helps me feel less anxious and more sure about life’s uncertainties. But other times, they’re in horrible ways.

Like my college boyfriend— I morphed into an exercise-obsessed, calorie counting health crazed feign, which ended with a life-threatening eating disorder. His coercion and expectations meant I had to be this person, or we wouldn’t work out.

I wish I’d chosen the path of us not working out rather than literally working out to meet his ridiculous standards (yes, there was a pun nestled in there). I didn’t like the person I’d become; she simply wasn’t me. If that makes any sense.

You’re compromising more than the other person.

If you’re always the one making changes, always the one having to alter your life, while your partner’s life remains relatively unaltered, there’s an issue. In a thriving relationship, things need to be balanced when it comes to the energy exerted.

An imbalanced relationship leads to resentment. And I promise that won’t end well for anyone involved.

Your needs aren’t being met, and they haven’t been for a long time.

Have you felt emotionally distant from your partner? Do you often daydream about a different life or someone who would finally give you what you crave?

Well, that doesn’t mean you should cut things off. What it does mean is that you should talk with your partner. But if you’ve already done that and they stated they’re not interested in fulfilling that need or promise they’ll put in the effort but don’t ask yourself this:

Are you willing to stay in a relationship where that need of yours will never be met? Chances are, if this unmet need has been on your mind for a while, your answer is no.

You don’t feel comfortable speaking up for yourself.

I’ve been in plenty of relationships where I feared speaking up for myself because, whenever I did, a fight would ensue. Instead of calmly talking about things, I was made to feel needy, crazy, or irrational.

All of which, I was not.

In any relationship, you should feel comfortable speaking your mind.

You’re staying because you’re scared or feel invested.

Does the idea of being out of your relationship feel relieving? But then you’re flooded with reality-bearing reminders that you’ll have to start from the beginning with someone new or move out of your shared apartment?

Feeling scared to leave a relationship isn’t a reason to stick it out. You’re trading your happiness for the fact you don’t need to change the address on your driver’s license. I know it feels terrifying now, but I’d venture to say a life with someone who doesn’t make you feel fulfilled is more frightening.

It’s great to be the person who would do anything to help their relationship, but that doesn’t mean a relationship that’s not working can be revived. You deserve someone willing to match your effort. You a relationship that’s not so damn difficult.

What’re your thoughts? What’re your concerns? I’d love to hear. Reply to this email or leave a comment and let me know.

Until next week, my amazing reader!

All the love,

Kirstie