"Should I Give My Ex-Girlfriend A Second Chance?"

An entry from Words Unfiltered's advice column with Kirstie Taylor

Hey Kirstie,

I dated a girl several years ago. We ended on bad terms. There was a lot of jealousy, lack of trust, and a bit of cheating was involved. To be fair, I wasn’t perfect, either. I did a lot of shit I regret too. But I moved on and came to terms with what happened. I made peace with the situation and realize, I still deeply love her. 

She says she accepts responsibility for what she did and has worked on herself a lot. She misses me and wants to try a relationship again. So My question is, should I let her back into my life? 

Sincerely,

Second Chances


Dear Second Chances,

It sounds like a lot of pain is carried with this relationship. The way you describe what you once had as being littered with “jealousy” and “lack of trust” is a huge red flag. Those are two things that can cause the downfall of a relationship, even by themselves.

Then there is the notion of your ex-girlfriend saying she has “changed.” To be able to get to the point of cheating means that she has a lot of her own issues, she needed to work on. Or that you both had problems that became exacerbated when together. It’s impossible to know if she’s changed without giving her another chance. But it is possible that she has changed, but your actions that triggered the worst parts of her haven’t.

But what I really think this all comes down to is, can you put everything that happened in your relationship previously in the past? Can you forget the cheating? Can you forget the fights? Can you forget the jealousy and worst that you saw of her and yourself?

If you’re in a place where you’ll continuously be hashing up old problems, continually opening old wounds, then you need to do both of you a favor and find someone else.

As much as we want to follow our heart, we need to listen to our heads as well. Love isn’t the only thing that makes a healthy relationship. In fact, “trust” is crucial, and you already stated the lack of that the first time around.

So you need to ask yourself: Do I completely forgive her? Am I willing to move forward and never bring up the past again? Can I trust her?

If you honestly answered yes to all three, then you could try to give her a second chance. Sometimes, people do change. We all have deep-rooted pain that we’re dealing with, and unfortunately, other people can get mixed up in it. If she worked through her issues, and you both have honest communication moving forward, it could potentially be stronger than the first time.

If you answered no to any of those questions, though— and again, what does your head say, not your heart— then I think you’re better off finding love somewhere else. There’s no need to go through another painful second try just because you “love” them; it just wasn’t meant to be.

With Love,

Kirstie


If you have a question you’d like answered by Kirstie, send an email to info@kirstietaylor.com