Self-Regulating for Anxious Daters
Hey, hopeful romantic!
Two days ago, I met with a client who told me she experienced a “setback” that day.
She ran into her ex, and it triggered her anxious attachment more than it had been in months. But what felt different this time was that she had a toolbox of choices to self-regulate that we’d created together.
The fact is: life will always throw us curveballs. You can do all the work and then be hit with something unexpected and feel entirely thrown off.
What makes the biggest difference, though, is whether you’re prepared.
And for an anxious dater, the best way to be prepared is to know how you need to self-regulate when you’re feeling triggered.
Before I get into self-regulation…
Have you ever wondered what goes on in a guy’s mind regarding dating?
If so, you’ll want to join tonight’s live show, where I’ll be joined by my friend and coach, Cory Camp!
Wanna join?
Healing an anxious attachment is (sorta) two-fold. There’s the more internal stuff like working on beliefs and processing traumas.
But you don’t stand a chance to do any of that if you have no idea how to calm yourself when triggered.
What I mean by triggered is those moments where you begin overthinking, your body feels warm, you desperately want to talk to the person you’re dating, and you maybe make choices you regret later (protest behaviors).
Your body is into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
Self-regulation is a way to help you come back to a calm state.
So what does self-regulation look like?
Well, it’s unique to each person, but here are some examples:
Breathing exercises.
Box breathing: Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4, and repeat.
4-7-8 Breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds.
Mindfulness exercises.
5-4-3-2-1: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste.
Body Scan: Close your eyes. Notice the sensation of each of your body parts from the top of your head down to your toes.
Things to distract you.
Go for a walk.
Call a friend.
Play with your pet.
Do the dishes or vacuum.
Play Tetris, sudoku, or do a crossword puzzle.
Things that make you feel better (this is unique to you).
Take a bath.
Tend to your plants.
Read a book.
Journal all your thoughts.
Listen to your favorite music.
Bake something.
Listen to a podcast.
The above are just examples, though. Try to come up with a list for yourself that’s at least 20 options long.
That way, when you feel triggered, you have plenty of options to choose from for self-regulating.
Have questions about this? Reply and let me know!
Until next week!
All the love,
Kirstie
My Links:
If you want to feel more secure in your love life, check out my Anxious Attachment Workshop.
Did you know I wrote a book about love? Grab your copy here.
Check out my live dating show every Thursday at 5:30 pm PST!
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Hi! I’m Kirstie
I help anxious people who don’t feel good enough for love understand their worth and find fulfilling love.
For over a decade, I was in one relationship after another with people who mistreated me or were emotionally unavailable. All of that ended when I took a year break from dating and read a book called Attached.
Learning about attachment styles changed my life. It opened doors like discovering my lack of boundaries and inability to ask for my needs to be met.
Today, I write and coach to help people through the same journey. You don’t have to feel so anxious, insecure, and uncertain when it comes to love.
I want to help you feel confident and find the love you deserve.
Want to learn more about working with me? Book a discovery call.