Perfect Relationships Are BS

Yep, I said it.

Hi hopeful romantic,

You may have read that subject line of this email and thought, “Oh shit, Kirstie went at it with her boyfriend, and now she’s going to rip to shreds the idea of a relationship.”

And that would be a fair assumption, yet wrong. My relationship is the same as it was yesterday or last week when I sent this newsletter. But that doesn’t mean it was ever perfect.

Which is exactly what I want to talk about this week.

But before I jump into demystifying the idea of perfect relationships, I have EXCITING news. It’s been a long time coming, but the pre-order for my book officially starts next week, January 14th.

I’ll be sending a big announcement about it next week, but I can’t wait for you to read it. If you’ve loved my newsletter and want a way to support me, pre-ordering my book is the exact way to do that.

And you’ll have my eternal love. 💕

Now back to why I’m in your inbox…

Growing up, I thought a relationship looked like one of two things:

  1. The Disney princess trope where a man with perfectly coiffed hair would sweep me away to happily ever after.

  2. Tears, arguing, and fighting (think Vampire Diaries or Sweet Home Alabama).

I know those are two wildly different notions of a perfect relationship, but my mere thought that relationships needed to look a certain way was silly.

One relationship model can’t fit everyone. With people having different needs, preferences, interests, and opinions on how to properly load a dishwasher, putting couples into a box is ridiculous.

But I digress because I want to focus on one specific issue:

The notion of “perfect.”

A relationship can’t be perfect. You’re going to inevitably fight. You’re bound to be bored at some point. The sex will get stale. Things will become mundane.

Yep, I said it. Anyone that feels otherwise is either lying, hasn’t been in a relationship long, or is doing the work.

Which leads me to my next point: the work.

I don’t say all of this to imply you’ll be destined to have a boring relationship. I say all of this because a healthy, fun relationship won’t come naturally, ever. You have to squash your previous expectations and put intention into the relationship.

What does that look like?

  • Instead of expecting you and your partner to naturally have passionate sex, you communicate more to keep sex pleasurable and exciting.

  • Instead of assuming you’re destined to fail if you fight, you both work on ways to manage conflict better.

  • Instead of throwing your hands up when things get boring, you figure out how to create excitement.

  • Instead of assuming your partner knows your needs, you communicate your needs.

That’s the work I mentioned above. Your relationship won’t ever be problem-free, but working on your love will bring you both closer. My boyfriend and I do it every day, and that’s one of the things I love most about our relationship.

Any successful, long-term couple will tell you that a relationship is work, but they found someone who wants to do the work with them. That’s key.

So while the effort with your partner doesn’t stop once you’re official, it does mean that continuing the work means you’re more likely to have a great, healthy relationship.

And that’s on squashing this silly notion of perfect relationships!

What’re your thoughts? Experiences? Counterpoint?

I want to hear them!

Until next week, my lovely readers. Stay sane, safe, and perhaps log off of social media for a bit.



Content I Loved:

Modern Love: My Five-Week-Long First Date

Relationship resolutions every couple should make for a healthy relationship

Dear Therapist’s Guide to Starting Over

5 Health Benefits of Cuddling That Can Improve Your Well-Being

The rejection mindset could be impacting your dating

Ask Polly: ‘My Friend Group Dumped Me, and Now I Have No One!’

Articles I Wrote:

Ask iris: "My boyfriend is coming to see me less often. Does that mean he's losing feelings?"

5 Tiny But Powerful Reminders For When You Want To Give Up

14 Signs Your Relationship Is Going Better Than You Think

5 Reasons Your Relationship Feels Boring — and How You Can Fix It

Book Update:

*If you're new to this newsletter and my work, I'm currently writing on a book, What I Wish I Knew About Love, that's set to come out early 2021 with Thought Catalog Books.*

I mean, I already said this up above, so repeating myself feels frivolous.