Love Harder, Not Smarter

Mar 13, 2020

Hello fellow beings,

Wow. What a year 2020 has been so far.

First off, I want to say that if you’re feeling overwhelmed by everything happening with COVID-19, it makes sense. The world is filled with a lot of fear, anxiety, confusion, and uncertainty.

For someone that struggles with their mental health, that’s a lot to process.

Please don’t hesitate to comment below if you’re feeling overwhelmed. I know I write about love + dating, but connecting with one another is still love.

I’m human. You’re human. It’s why I start all my emails with “hello fellow beings.” Were all just figuring this out as we go.

I think the best thing we can do, aside from safety precautions, is love harder than ever.

If that means virtually than so be it.

Drop a line about how you’re feeling below.

I’m currently a ball of anxiety and worry; let’s try to unravel, just a tiny bit, together.

Speaking of worry, that leads me to what I want to talk about today.

Even before corona came sweeping into our everyday lives, I’ve been worrying about my own affairs.

I have an anxious sort of personality. I overthink and often catch myself enacting worst-case scenarios in my head.

Even more so with my relationship.

Recently, a switch flipped in my mind.

I started to worry if my boyfriend and I are truly compatible.

I worried if we’re moving in too soon together.

I worried whether things are going south.

I worried if our futures involve each other.

A recent conversation about moving-in together sparked all these worries. I’ve made the mistake thrice (yes, THRICE) of moving in too soon with a boyfriend. Two out of three of those experiences ended horribly.

For my current relationship, I saw the decision equivalent to marrying. And that decision led me to a bit of panic.

I started to question our relationship even though I never had before. And once the questioning started, I couldn’t stop it. The overthinking had begun.

Then I started picking at all of my boyfriend’s actions when we were together. He’d annoy me, and I pictured older versions of ourselves, constantly nagging each other. One time I snapped at him, and I imagined being that horrible partner that always berates their husband.

I overthought things to the point that I felt my chest tighten. This went on for a week.

But then I decided to confide in a friend. I told her my situation and she gave me this advice: calm the fuck down.

Which, no surprise, I did not react well to at first.

But once my ego calmed down, I started to soak in what she was getting at. I was so caught up in trying to figure out the future. I thought I could find a solution inside my racking brain. If I was smart and logical enough, I could prevent a horrible future for myself.

Even though I ignored the gut feeling inside me that could never imagine leaving my partner.

All of my worries had one thing in common: the future.

And they all lacked one thing: A focus on the present.

The present with my boyfriend is everything I could ask for in a relationship. I’m supported, cared for, and loved unconditionally. We are weird AF together, and it’s fantastic. There’s never a dull moment; I often laugh until I cry (though, I am definitely the funnier one.)

And that’s when I started to realize how my worries were not only ill-founded but a bit selfish too.

My overthinking made me get so caught up in picking apart my boyfriend. I completely lost sight of actually loving him. How that, too, matters in a relationship. The feeling of loving your partner.

And hey, it might be counterintuitive— coming from a relationship + dating writer— but maybe we go about love the wrong way sometimes. Maybe the solution isn’t about loving smarter, it’s about loving harder.

When was the last time you loved without walls or hesitation?

Or when was the last time you stopped to think how good it feels to give love?

The fact is: I’m a worrier. I try to work on it. But as I get older, I see my worry become more and more prevalent.

I don’t believe in the idea of having zero hesitation when it comes to making big decisions based on love. But I do believe in listening to your gut. I do believe in having a little faith.

To all the overthinkers out there: focus on the present. If things are good, try giving more love.

Until next week my lovely readers. Stay safe & healthy.

All the love,

Kirstie