Let's Talk Emotional Permanency
Hey hopeful romantic,
I have two exciting things to talk about. The first is a term called emotional permanency, which I’ve never written on.
The second is that I’m hosting a revamped version of my Anxious Attachment Workshop.
This time, I’m focusing more on the fearful, anxious attachment and adding more valuable exercises on protest behaviors and changing your mindset. If you’re tired of feeling not good enough for love and like your thoughts control your dating life, then join me for my live workshop.
And we can work on feeling more secure together.
Oh, and, since you’re a follower of my newsletter, use WWK5 for $5 off 💜
Ok, back to the main reason I’m sending this newsletter. Emotional permanency.
Do you need regular reassurance in your relationship? Can your partner tell you they care for you one day, but you then question it the next?
This could be due to a lack of emotional permanency. It’s the ability to know that feelings continue, regardless of time, distance, or something like an argument happening.
Here’s another way to explain it:
If you set down a cup of water in your living room, then go grab something in your kitchen, does the cup still exist? Are you able to recall that the object is still there, even though you can’t see it?
That’s called object permanency (an ability not all animals have). So our emotions function in the same way, but some people can’t realize that as much as others.
If you have an anxious attachment, you’re probably thinking, “THIS IS ME! This is how my brain works!” And I get it because I struggle with EP, too.
There isn’t a lot of guidance on how to work on increasing one’s EP, but sometimes knowing something exists and that you’re not alone is nice. Hence why I wanted to bring EP to your attention.
I will say that two things help me feel more confident in my partner’s feelings and like I need less reassurance. One is keeping a list (I’m a huge fan of lists). The other is talking to my boyfriend about what I’m experiencing.
When I first dated my boyfriend, I kept a list of all the nice/sweet/romantic things he did for me. That way, when I started doubting his feelings or my anxious thoughts began including my mind, I could remind myself of all the positives.
Which worked very nicely since our minds more easily focus on everything wrong or could go wrong.
My boyfriend and I also talk—about everything.
He knows how much it matters to me to hear that he loves and cares about me every day. So he makes sure to tell me. And no, it’s not forced or awkward. At this point, it’s become a habit for him.
Perhaps give those a try. It can’t hurt to see if they work for you. Plus, it’s better than knowing you struggle with something but doing nothing about it.
It might be hard for you to wrap your head around how emotions can continue in a relationship, even when they’re not said. But hopefully, this newsletter helped you better understand that it’s possible.
Until next week!
All the love,
Kirstie
Content You’ll Love:
The Science of Attraction (Podcast)
The Key Difference Between a Romantic Spark and a Good First Impression
How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship
Here’s What To Do If You & Your Partner Have Different Love Languages
Dear Therapists: Emma’s Unavailable Men (Podcast)
Links:
Did you know I wrote a book? Grab your copy here.
I’m hosting a revamped, live attachment workshop! Grab your ticket here.
Have a dating/relationship question? Send it into my advice column.