Let's Not Fight
The reasons my boyfriend and I have never fought.
Hey hopeful romantic,
This week has been a breath of fresh air. It feels like 2021 will be a new horizon for us. Not only with the vaccine coming out and the new administration, but because of the mere fact that 2020 shook a lot of us to the core.
Change. That’s what I imagine the theme of 2021 being.
And if that’s something you want more of in your life, then I have a concept I want to talk to you about that went wildly viral on my TikTok last night.
But first, my book that I’ve been working hard on for the past year is finally out for pre-orders!
If you love this newsletter and ever wanted to support me somehow, pre-ordering my book is the way. Plus, if you reply and send me a receipt, I’ll write back with eternal love and send you my Boundaries Guide.
Who doesn’t love a good 3-for-1 deal? 💕
Now, back to that TikTok I mentioned; yesterday, I posted a video (actually, it was a part two) about why my boyfriend and I have never fought.
Which is a far cry from all my past relationships where fighting, crying, and name-calling were essentially our foreplay, minus the orgasms.
And even though there’s a stark difference between my past relationships and the one I’m in now, I never stopped to consider and bask in the glory of a healthy relationship with great communication.
Because fighting sucks, it’s not passion. It’s misery.
So that’s what we’re talking about this week. Fighting. Arguing. How to do it better and how to not be a complete asshat.
But let’s back up to that little sentence where I said my boyfriend and I have never fought. Because there’s bound to be one of you that’s thinking, “fighting is healthy” or “you’re lying.” So let me explain.
The differences between arguing and fighting.
I’ll scream from the mountaintops of the Hollywood Hills that arguing is healthy. There are studies upon studies that show arguing is part of relationship/marriage satisfaction.
My boyfriend and I argue. Even more so now that we’re both working from home and crammed inside an apartment with nothing to do but complain about dirty clothes on the floor.
But, and I’m going to sound like a broken record here, we don’t fight.
Arguing and fighting are two drastically different forms of communication. One is productive; the other is unproductive.
Fighting consists of things like trying to win and have your partner lose. People engage in name-calling, screaming, yelling, crying, stonewalling, gaslighting, anything that’s hurtful, and not heading towards a solution. Fighting tends to be very ego-driven.
Arguing, on the other hand, is still conflict, disagreeing and getting upset with each other, but there’s underlying respect. What’s important is that you’re not leaving the argument feeling bad about yourself, the relationship, or resenting your partner.
Arguing helps couples take their relationship to new levels by overcoming obstacles and compromising in ways that benefit them both.
So when I say that my boyfriend and I have never fought, I mean that we’ve never resorted to screaming matches that make us feel dejected, disrespected, and like we resent each other.
How? I give credit to some practices we’ve put in place that make fights less likely to come up.
Now we’ve come full-circle to my viral video. Let’s talk about those practices.
Weekly check-ins
It’s great to have an open line of communication. If my boyfriend says something that hurts my feelings, I let him know at that moment.
But, some things don’t necessarily have a trigger, you know? Some feelings slowly rise inside you. Until you take a moment to breathe, reflect, and think about how you’re doing, you might not even notice it’s there.
And, for this reason, my boyfriend and I do weekly check-ins.
Once a week, we take inventory of things. That might sound too procedural or robotic, but it’s not as awkward as it sounds.
When we’re not busy, tired, or distracted, we’ll ask each other if there’s anything the other wants to talk about. If there is, we discuss them. If there isn’t, we go on with our day.
What this does is create a space for anything to be aired out. Sometimes, especially for people who struggle with communication, this designated time can make the difference between resentment building up and working through an issue together.
Now I had a lot of people ask two questions:
How do you suggest this practice to my partner?
What questions can we ask each other?
For the first, you can say something like, “I saw this couple talk about how they do weekly check-ins with each other, and they said it helped their relationship a lot. I’d love to try it, even if it’s only for a month. Are you open to it?”
Obviously, change it in a manner that sounds more like you. But focus on the positives and benefits. If you make it sound like it’s because your partner is the problem or your relationship is broken, they may become defensive.
Now, onto what questions to ask.
While my boyfriend and I do a simple “how are things going?” chat, many people commented about additional questions they ask during their check-in.
So consider using any of the following:
How did things go for you this week?
What’s one positive that went well with our relationship?
What’s one thing that bothered you?
Is there any need of your I’m not meeting?
Referring to each other as a team.
I can’t speak highly enough of this practice.
My boyfriend naturally fell into referring to each other as a team. I, on the other hand, had a harder time with it. But I’m quite glad I’ve gotten into the flow.
Whenever a problem (personal or relationship) comes up, we work together to find the solution. We never say, “that’s your problem,” or, “figure it out yourself!”
To further explain this concept: I’ve mentioned that my boyfriend and I’s love languages are different. My primary one is words of affirmation; his is quality time.
At first, it didn’t bother me that my boyfriend isn’t good at communicating his feelings; I could clearly see how much he cared in other ways. But over time, it did start to bother me.
So I brought it up. Actually, I brought it up several times. Each time I saw tiny changes, but not much.
A lot of people would throw up the flag and say, “we’re just not compatible.” But with a team mentality, I decided to help my boyfriend, rather than expecting him to fix the issue all on his own.
Since I’m a writer and words are my thing, I crafted a non-cheesy list of phrases my boyfriend can use to express his feelings. I shared them with him on the Notes app, and we can both add things on there whenever we want.
And, spoiler: his communication got much better.
Having a team mentality helps us solve problems in a more productive way. You can implement this simply by using “we” more and remembering that letting the ego get in the way often keeps the team from winning.
It’s not an end-all if a fight does happen, though.
I don’t want to put any unhealthy pressure on you. If a fight happens, it doesn’t mean you’re in an unhealthy relationship. It doesn't mean you’re a bad person.
But try having a conversation after, when you’ve both cooled off and calmed down. Talk about ways you can avoid fighting in the future and have more productive arguments.
If there’s one thing you both can agree on, I’m sure it’s that neither of you wants to fight. So having a conversation about healthier conflict skills can be the key to avoiding future fights that could hurt your relationship.
Oh, and a hug. Hugs fix a lot of things.
What do you think? Do you do any of these practices? Do you think I’m insane? Are there any more questions you have?
Let me know in the comments, and we can get a discussion going!
But, until next week, have an amazing weekend, my lovely reader. I’ll talk to you soon!
Xoxo,
Kirstie
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