Learning How to Trust Again
Hey hopeful romantic,
Trust is a tricky subject. Some people say, “trust someone until they’ve given you a reason not to,” but that’s not always easy.
Especially when someone broke your trust in the past.
I get this question a lot: how do I trust, again, when I’ve been hurt in the past?
So I have a few tips to help you on this journey:
Learn to trust yourself.
You can’t trust others if you don’t trust yourself.
What I mean by that is: if you don’t trust that you can make good choices for yourself, how will you ever feel comfortable enough to trust other people?
Now I’m sure you’re thinking, “but HOW??”
One way is to remember all the times you have made good decisions. You can also start journaling your experiences, thoughts, and gut feelings that something is wrong.
That way, you’re not functioning on auto-pilot and assuming everything will be OK.
Create a different meaning for your past pain.
When you were hurt, you probably created meaning around that experience. Perhaps it was that everyone will hurt you or maybe that you’re not good enough for love.
But I’m here to tell you, neither of those is true.
The fact is, your ex disrespected you. They made a promise that they broke. That says nothing about you and everything about them. If you can change the meaning around your past pain, you can begin to perceive it differently today.
Don’t beat yourself up.
Uncomfy feelings will happen. You’ll overthink a perfectly great person. You’ll feel jealous when you don’t want to. You’ll wonder why you’re still struggling.
What won’t make those moments better is beating yourself up. Learning to trust again isn’t a straight line. It’s a squiggle line that’s all over the place but also steadily moving forward.
Differentiate (and compare) relationships.
Usually, I’d say not to compare your relationships. But in the case of trust, this can be an invaluable exercise.
But comparing a relationship where your trust was broken to someone you’re currently dating, you can notice any similarities. On the flip side, you can start to see how they’re different, too, which may help you realize that your old relationship isn’t repeating itself.
Pinpoint patterns.
One activity I love doing with my clients is noticing patterns that repeat in their relationships. You may be dating the same kind of people who mistreat you, but until you stop to recognize that, you’ll be on autopilot.
It’s like taking the same path but expecting a different end destination. It just doesn’t work like that.
Give someone time before trusting.
It’s OK to build trust with a new person rather than automatically trusting. You need time to get to know someone’s real personality and if they can be trusted.
As much as it might seem like everyone around you can easily trust others, that’s not always a good thing. In your case, don’t feel bad about needing a bit more time to learn if someone is trustworthy.
Learning to trust again will be on a case-by-case basis. Just have compassion for yourself, and don’t be afraid to talk about things with the other person.
You’ve got this. Reply to this email with any questions or concerns you have!
Until next week!
All the love,
Kirstie
P.S. Do you want to feel more secure and worthy of love in your dating life?
I started a coaching program called Secure Your Love Life for anyone interested in feeling more confident, squashing their anxious thoughts, and finally finding more fulfilling love.
Want to learn more? Click here.
My Links:
If you want to feel more secure in your love life, check out my Anxious Attachment Workshop.
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Have a dating/relationship question? Send it into my advice column.
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Hi! I’m Kirstie
I help anxious people who don’t feel good enough for love understand their worth and find fulfilling love.
For over a decade, I was in one relationship after another with people who mistreated me or were emotionally unavailable. All of that ended when I took a year break from dating and read a book called Attached.
Learning about attachment styles changed my life. It opened doors like discovering my lack of boundaries and inability to ask for my needs to be met.
Today, I write and coach to help people through the same journey. You don’t have to feel so anxious, insecure, and uncertain when it comes to love.
I want to help you feel confident and find the love you deserve.
Want to learn more about working with me? Here’s more info.