Is A Break Good For Your Relationship?
Hey hopeful romantic,
I’ve been receiving a lot of questions about breaks. Specifically: are they beneficial to a relationship and how to do one.
If you’re a fan of Friends, you remember how horribly the whole “taking a break” thing went for Ross and Rachel. But if you’re not familiar, a quick recap is: Ross slept with someone else while on a break with his girlfriend Rachel.
Which created iconic GIFs like:
While I personally don’t believe in breaks, there are healthy, effective ways to do them. Pretty much the exact opposite of how Ross and Rachel did their’s.
So this week, let’s talk about how to determine if a break is right for your relationship and how to take one that helps you and your partner.
But first…
If you want a lot of content on improving your relationship, might I suggest my new book, What I Wish I Knew About Love?
If you order now, send me your receipt, and I’ll reply with my Free Boundaries Guide as a thank you!
A break can breathe new life into a relationship and help both of you gain a better perspective. I like to think of breaks as time apart from one another while still being in the relationship.
That said, you need to have the right intentions behind doing one.
Reasons for a break shouldn’t be:
You’re sick of arguing and don’t want to talk to your partner for a bit.
You want to sleep around.
You’re just not ready for a relationship, but maybe sometime will fix that (spoiler: it won’t).
Good reasons for a break include:
You need time alone to evaluate the relationship.
The communication between both of you is off.
You’re unsure about the connection you both have.
You want to explore a hobby or experience so you can grow.
I have to point out: just because you’re experiencing one of the good reasons above doesn’t mean you need a break. Most of those issues can be solved while still being together like usual.
But if something is pulling inside you to take a step back from the relationship in hopes that it helps things, that’s different. In which case, here are a few tips for taking a break that helps your relationship:
Talk about the break in person.
Please, whatever you do, don’t text your partner saying you want to take a break. With all the negative stigma that a break holds, you’re going to send them into a panic.
Instead, talk in person about taking a break, what it will look like, and preface your conversation by saying that you want this to help your relationship, not end it.
Decide on the ground rules together.
How often will you both talk, if at all? When will the break end or will you keep going until you both decide it should stop? What will you both do to grow and help the relationship during it?
It’s also worth noting— to avoid a Ross and Rachel debacle— that you won’t be sleeping with other people. Better to be clear than severely hurt down the road.
Talk about how you hope things will be different after the break.
If you’re taking time apart because your communication is off, maybe you hope that you’ll both develop better communication skills while apart. Or maybe you both need to become more clear on what you want from your relationship.
Having an end goal clearly painted for both of you will keep you on the same page.
Manage your own expectations.
A break won’t magically fix your relationship. Change takes time. You or your partner is bound to slip back into old ways.
But your time apart could give you insight and a new perspective you didn’t have before. That, in itself, is valuable. So make sure to keep your expectations realistic.
Prioritize yourself and your needs during this time.
Don’t go out partying like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. If you feel this way, you might not need a break but a breakup.
Spend this time doing things that make you happy and pursuing goals you’ve put off. Journal your feelings during your time apart and become clear on what you’ve needed more of.
What a break comes down to is honest communication. It doesn’t have to be this dreaded experience where you’re worried the relationship might end. If done right, a relationship could help you get over any relationship hump you’re experiencing.
This week’s activity: What’re some conversations you want to have with your partner but have been putting off? Or, if you’re single, what needs of yours weren’t met in past relationships?
Try journaling why you feel like you can’t/couldn’t speak up about those things? If you want, reply to this email and let me know what you wrote! I read every email and try to reply to as many as I can.
Until next week my lovely reader.
All the love,
Kirstie
Content You’ll Love:
Manifesting Our Desires And Understanding Our Emotions (Podcast)
If I Expect It to End, Will It Hurt Less? (Modern Love)
What You’re Saying When You Give Someone the Silent Treatment
What Is Emotional Cheating (and Does It Count)?
Here's why it's okay to mourn a three-date relationship
I’m a Relationship Therapist, and Here’s How To Stop Ruminating After a Breakup
The VICE Starter Pack for Dating After COVID
Articles I Wrote:
5 Ways You’re Making Your Love Life Harder Than It Needs To Be
What to Remember When Someone Is Giving You Mixed Signals
6 Questions to Ask Yourself For Setting Powerful Dating Standards