How To Trust Someone (Again)

Apr 09, 2021

Hey hopeful romantic,

Trust is a tricky matter when it comes to love. I’m sure you’ve heard advice like, “trust someone until they give you a reason not to,” but if you’ve been hurt before, it feels near impossible.

Or maybe you’ve had the trust between you and your partner broken. Now you’re left wondering if it’s possible to rebuild it.

Well, that’s what I want to talk about this week.

But first.. welcome to everyone who came here from my TikTok account. Hope you found the Boundaries Guide helpful!

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Whether you’re single, actively dating, or in a relationship, there’s something for you. Think of my book as the big sister you always wanted (Because I wish I had a sister growing up 😭).

Also, shoot me an email to say hi and what topics you want in this newsletter! I read every email and try to respond to as many as I can.

For if you find it hard to trust new people:

I feel you; I really do. I’ve had my heart broken so many times; it feels natural to believe every person will hurt me. I felt it with my current boyfriend when we first started dating.

I was suspicious every time he treated me well.

But the good news is that you don’t have to go completely against your instincts. And there are ways to determine if you can trust someone while slowly learning to trust them.

Take the relationship at a slow pace.

Learning to trust someone takes time, so don’t be afraid to take the relationship slowly—date for a bit. Get to know the person. See them in different scenarios, like with their friends or when they’re stressed.

The more situations you’re both in, the better you’ll be able to read if they’re a trustworthy person and someone you want to be exclusive with.

Share a bit and see how things go.

Once upon a time, I drunkenly poured my heart out to a guy I’d been dating for a month. I went straight to some of the darkest experiences in my life.

He ended things a week later. That f*cking stung.

But now I’m smart enough to know that I can share little bits of myself, one by one, with someone new. That way, I can see the person’s reaction. If it’s bad, well, at least I didn’t share all of my most painful experiences.

Ask yourself: are my insecurities causing this or the other person’s actions?

This question can help you understand if an experience with a crappy ex from two years ago affects you today or if the person you’re dating’s actions are suspect.

Essentially, has this person given you a reason not to trust them? If not, try giving them a bit of trust, even if it’s scary.

Take note of any red flags you ignored with past people.

When you’re scared that someone will hurt you because your ex did, reflect.

Think back to the person who hurt you. What actions did you ignore? Were there red flags that indicated they’d hurt you?

By pinpointing any signs that your ex wasn’t trustworthy, you can look out for them in your new relationships.

For if the trust in your relationship is broken:

This might be one of the hardest experiences you go through; it’s the worst when someone close to you betrays you. Whether they cheated (emotionally or physically), lied about money, or broke a promise, trusting someone again is hard.

But not impossible.

Can you envision a future where you would 100% trust them again?

The truth is: sometimes someone breaks your trust so badly, it’s irreparable. I know that, for me, cheating would be a deal-breaker. I couldn’t envision a future where that wouldn’t be in the back of my mind.

So can you picture a time where you might trust your partner again? Do they seem sorry enough to change? Have they already changed?

Talk about your feelings with your partner.

Don’t feel like you need to bottle your emotions in. While yelling and bringing up the situation constantly won’t help, talking about what parts are hardest to overcome will help.

Build trust back up in baby steps.

You don’t have to go from zero trust to full trust. You can take baby steps to rebuild it.

Maybe that’s creating new promises for your partner to keep. Or being on the same page about finances. Perhaps it’s syncing up schedules. Whatever feels helpful for you.

Start communicating better.

Start having weekly check-ins with each other. That way, you can take inventory of everything going on in the relationship, the overall state, and create space to talk about lingering issues.

Understand the reason behind their lie.

Lies are never black and white. There is an underlying reason your partner broke your trust. Understanding what that can help you see the situation more clearly and help your partner know what work needs to be done.

This week’s activity: Who broke your trust in the past? What belief did that create for your today? Which of these steps do you think could help you learn to trust people again?

Write your answer in a reply to this email! I read every email and try to respond to as many as I can.

Until next week, my lovely reader ❤️

All the love,

Kirstie