How to Set Boundaries with Ease
Hey, hopeful romantic!
A lot of anxiously attached people struggle with creating boundaries.
Which makes sense! Combine a low feeling of self-worth with a fear of losing someone, and you’re bound to get someone afraid to speak up.
And I won’t lie and say that suddenly creating boundaries will be easy.
But there are small steps you can take to get better at making them.
But first…
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Now back to boundaries!
The main reasons people have told me as to why they struggle with boundaries are:
Not feeling confident enough to speak up.
Feeling scared that someone will be pushed away by their boundaries.
Let’s talk about the first one.
Going from hiding all your thoughts and feelings to suddenly speaking up about them can feel uncomfortable, whether on a first date or with a long-term partner.
Instead, practice speaking up more in other aspects of your life.
Make it a goal to have a conversation with one person while at the grocery store.
Create a boundary with an understanding friend.
Try just saying your boundaries and needs out loud.
Once you feel more comfortable with those, you might find you’re more comfortable speaking up for yourself when it matters most.
Now let’s talk about the second reason people struggle with boundaries.
The fear of pushing someone away is very real. It’s so real that it’s true. Creating boundaries in your life may push someone you’re dating away. But that’s a good thing.
If someone can’t respect and even appreciate your boundaries, they’re not the person for you.
Every person on this planet has boundaries, and every person deserves to have them respected.
Part of finding a good match when dating is determining if someone can treat you with respect.
Pushing or violating your boundaries? Sounds pretty disrespectful to me.
Okay, now you might be wondering, “But how do I even make a boundary??”
Which is a beautiful question.
First, take some time to reflect on moments in dating when you felt uncomfortable, disrespected, or offended. Those are key to understanding what kind of boundaries you need.
I always felt uncomfortable when someone pushed for physical intimacy on the first few dates. So a boundary I knew that I needed was to wait to do anything physical with someone.
Second, reassure yourself that you deserve these boundaries. You’re not sensitive. You’re not weak. You’re not “too much.”
Those are all stories that are making it harder for you to create boundaries.
Instead, assure yourself that you deserve respect and that being in touch with your emotions is a strength. You’re a great person who deserves to be treated as such.
Third, set the boundary.
Think of a boundary as a chance to state how you feel about the person's actions.
Here are some examples:
“I don’t like when you talk to me like that. It’s demeaning. Please don’t talk to me like that again.”
“I don’t feel comfortable having sex this early. I like to take more time to get to know someone.”
“I understand you’re busy, but I prefer consistent communication to feel connected to the person I’m dating.”
“I love seeing you every week, but I also need alone time during the weekend to recharge and take care of myself.”
Do those make sense? If not, send me an email with a situation you want to create a boundary around, and I can help you formulate one!
Some people think that boundaries keep people at arm’s length, are selfish, or hurt others. That’s far from the case.
Boundaries in dating and relationships help you feel safe and respected by the other person. They help avoid resentment that can quietly build up.
So here’s to setting firm boundaries in your dating life! Reply to this email and let me know what you think about boundaries.
Until next time!
All the love,
Kirstie
My Links:
If you want to feel more secure in your love life, check out my Anxious Attachment Workshop.
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Hi! I’m Kirstie
I help anxious people who don’t feel good enough for love understand their worth and find fulfilling love.
For over a decade, I was in one relationship after another with people who mistreated me or were emotionally unavailable. All of that ended when I took a year break from dating and read a book called Attached.
Learning about attachment styles changed my life. It opened doors like discovering my lack of boundaries and inability to ask for my needs to be met.
Today, I write and coach to help people through the same journey. You don’t have to feel so anxious, insecure, and uncertain when it comes to love.
I want to help you feel confident and find the love you deserve.
Want to learn more about working with me? Book a discovery call.