How Do You Regulate Your Anxious Attachment?
Hey, hopeful romantic!
Something VERY excited happened!
I was invited to be a guest on one of my favorite dating podcasts (which I’ve linked in this newsletter many times). The podcast is called Dateable, and I’d love for you to listen to my episode here.
Also, if you’ve thought about working with me as a coach, 1:1, you're in luck! I have one spot that just opened up.
If you want to learn more about how I can help you feel less anxious and more secure in your love life, click here!
Now, onto this week’s topic…
How do you know when your anxious attachment is triggered?
Does your heart start racing?
Does your body start feeling warm?
Does your mind race with worst-case-scenario thoughts?
Well, if you know the answer to that, congrats! You’re able to recognize when you’re about to do all those not-so-pretty protest behaviors before they even begin.
That’s the first step.
The second step is deciding what to do next, which many people would call regulation.
I recently watched a Tiktok video by the amazing @TherapyJeff.
He talked about three main choices that any anxiously attached person has when they need to regulate.
The first is by themselves.
That can look like anything that either distracts you or makes you feel better but that you do alone.
My go-to self-regulating methods are playing with my dog, going for a walk, and taking care of my plants.
Try to come up with at least ten options; that way, you have a lot to choose from when you’re feeling triggered.
The second is with a friend, family member, or professional.
I like to think of this option as self-regulating with someone else who isn’t your partner.
Look, anxious attachments often form because of our past wounds with other people. So having a support system to help you regulate is a great option!
As long as you can think of at least three people you feel comfortable reaching out to in your super-triggered times, you’re good to go.
The third is with your partner.
This option tends to be my least favorite yet also my favorite. You might think that doesn’t make any sense, but let me explain.
If you have an emotionally available partner who is patient and willing to communicate with you, then regulating with them from time to time is an excellent option.
Now, if your partner doesn’t handle conversations about feelings well or, worse, they write off your feelings as being “needy” or “dramatic,” they’ll only make things worse.
I’m not saying to regulate with your partner, but ask yourself if they end up helping things or making them worse.
Having the option to do all three is the ideal situation. Everyone is different, but learning to soothe in various ways will help you move into a secure attachment more easily.
So, my question is, what’s your preferred self-regulating method?
Until next week!
All the love,
Kirstie
My Links:
If you want to feel more secure in your love life, check out my Anxious Attachment Workshop.
Did you know I wrote a book about love? Grab your copy here.
Check out my live dating show every Thursday at 5:30 pm PST!
Content You’ll Love:
Securing Your Anxious Attachment w/ Kirstie Taylor
What Not to Do on Your First Dinner Date
Need Constant Affection? You May Struggle With Emotional Impermanence
The Marriage Lesson That I Learned Too Late
How to Love Yourself First (Podcast)
17 Relationship Red Flags You Should Never Ignore, According to Therapists
Here’s The Best Way To Gently Turn Someone Down If You’re Not Interested
Hi! I’m Kirstie
I help anxious people who don’t feel good enough for love understand their worth and find fulfilling love.
For over a decade, I was in one relationship after another with people who mistreated me or were emotionally unavailable. All of that ended when I took a year break from dating and read a book called Attached.
Learning about attachment styles changed my life. It opened doors like discovering my lack of boundaries and inability to ask for my needs to be met.
Today, I write and coach to help people through the same journey. You don’t have to feel so anxious, insecure, and uncertain when it comes to love.
I want to help you feel confident and find the love you deserve.
Want to learn more about working with me? Book a discovery call.