Ghosted

How do you learn to trust again?

Mar 27, 2020

Hey everyone,

I hope you made it through this week with a shred of sanity. For the sake of us all, I'm going to forgo talking about the obvious for the time being.

I'm sure you read about it enough; this doesn't need to be another space for that.

But what I will say is: I've had a lot of time to think about this newsletter. I love writing it every week, and I only want to make it more of value to you.

You may notice the format change over the next few weeks, including interviews and more reader's questions. If you have people you want me to interview or dating/relationship questions, please shoot an email to wordswithkirstie@gmail.com.

Now onto this week's content…

Ghosting: Where'd you go? I miss you so…

I waited for the phone to ring with anxiety pulsing through my veins. I practiced what I would say; a calm tone as to not seeming overly-eager. Sure, I obsessed over talking to him again, but I couldn't let him know that.

But that option never came because he never called.

Sure, I was in sixth grade. The guy in question was a dude I met ice skating. He held my hand as we circled around the rink. When his mom came to pick him up, he asked for my number. That was the last time I spoke to him.

It was my first taste of being ghosted.

That or he lost the gum wrapper my phone number was on.

Either way, ghosting has been around awhile. It's just until recently that people are noticing it for what it is. With social media, we can be fairly sure someone didn't die, and they're not, in fact, "busy." They're choosing to go silent.

And being ghosted sucks, no way around it. Especially when you have a connection with someone.

I hear all kinds of people talk about being ghosted. In fact, I recently had someone write in on this exact comment.

Reader Question:

"The person I was dating three months— had taken a serious turn by then— decided to ghost on me. Like, no heads up. No hints. Nothing. He vanished. Disappeared into thin air. Saw my stories on Instagram, read those messages moonlighting as late-night cries for some clarity, anything—but left them unanswered.

How does one come back from this?

I am dating someone new after an entire year, but I find myself riddled with anxiety when this guy— totally unaware of the situation— fails to respond to my texts or doesn't take my calls. I can't trust people not to run away."

Oof. It's one thing to be ghosted on the third date, but three months in? My heart goes out to you.

I always hear people say "trust until you're given a reason not to" and to those people I say: WRONG. It makes sense why you're wary of new people, all you know is all you experienced.

Now, while I think it's rational to feel the way you do, it's not to silently live in that place. It sounds like you want a healthy relationship, and part of that is learning to trust your new partners.

That starts by being honest with yourself and having compassion. You need to negotiate, in a sense, with your fears. Find reasons to trust your partner, rather than not trust him. Ask yourself if something they're doing is upsetting you, or if it's the looming worry from your past.

And, if you feel comfortable enough, talk to him about your situation. You say he doesn't know, and therefore he can't help. Having your partner understand you—worries included— is one of the best parts of a healthy relationship. I'm sure he'll understand; maybe something similar even happened to him!

But you can't bottle this up. It's only going to lead to more distrust and resentment.

Some helpful content…

The New York Times published a piece highlighting the psychology behind ghosting. MTV even created a show around the dating phenomenon, and it revealed some cringey reasons people ghost. If you're thinking of ghosting, don't. Do these instead. To recover from being ghosted, read yours truly's article. Lastly, check out Rosie Walsh's Ghosted, a novel of romance and suspense; truly a page-turner.

And lastly, if someone ghosts you, let them go. You deserve someone better.