Expectations Are Killing Your Relationship

Plus a HUGE update on my book!

Jan 15, 2021

Hey, hopeful romantic!

First off, if you found me through the Substack conference, welcome! Shoot me a reply and say hi.

Second, MY BOOK IS OUT FOR PRE-ORDERS! Usually, I hate all caps, but this is a BIG DEAL.

My book is called What I Wish I Knew About Love. It’s a collection of essays and poems of personal stories, diving into the psychology of love and questions/exercises to help you understand yourself and better navigate the world of love.

There are five sections: Rewriting the Script on Love, Moving Past Heartbreak, Understanding Yourself (Self-Love), Finding a Great Partner (Dating), and Creating a Loving Relationship.

So there’s a bit of something for everyone.

I’ve spent the past year working hard to write, edit, and create this book with my amazing publisher, Thought Catalog. And now the day has finally come that people can order it.

If you’ve ever wanted to support me and this free newsletter, this is the perfect way to do that. 💕

Pre-Order Here

Plus, if you send me a screenshot of your purchase, I’ll send you my Boundaries Guide to help you understand, create, and maintain boundaries in your life. I’ll also send back a nice message and my eternal love.

Regardless, I appreciate your support over the past (almost two!) years of this newsletter.

Now onto this week’s newsletter:

I might lose a few of you with this next sentence but hang with me here: Thanks to TikTok, I’ve noticed a significant relationship mistake people are making nowadays.

Over the past two months, I created a lot of videos and spent time talking to people on there. I watched trends pop up on my FYP (my feed). And it’s glaringly obvious that people are creating their own relationship problems because of their expectations.

Now don’t get me wrong; some expectations are good. Wanting to be treated kindly, with respect, and not be cheated on (if you’ve stated you’re monogamous) are things you shouldn’t need to ask for.

But recently, this trend where people post videos of themselves on luxury trips or getting expensive gifts from their partners to audio saying “If they wanted to, they would” got me pretty heated.

Essentially, they’re implying that everyone should express love the same way; luxury trips, endless flower, and lavish gifts. And not only that, but your partner should know that you want these without you ever asking.

I have two issues with this, the first being that showing your love in only these pricey, flashy ways isn’t realistic for a lot of people and is a pretty unfair expectation to place on any relationship. Plus it’s not really a need, but a desire.

But the second is, you’re only hurting yourself if you assume your partner is a mind-reader. If you truly want something from your relationship (and not just because you saw it on social media and thought, “I want that!”) then you need to speak up.

Let’s veer away from gifts and trips. Expectations happen in a lot of ways.

You could want your partner to be more verbal about their love for you.

Perhaps you want your partner to help out around the house more.

Maybe you hate that your partner follows bikini models on Instagram.

Whatever your expectation might be, say something. Your partner isn’t a mind reader. If they care about you, they’ll change their behaviors or compromise with you.

But that won’t happen if your expectations live up in your mind.

Now, I want you to ask yourself some questions:

What do you feel like your relationship is lacking?
What needs of your aren’t being met?
What do you wish your partner would do differently?
Would you still want said thing if you couldn’t post about it on Instagram? (I had to add this one because it quickly eliminates the superficial things)

Now, ask yourself:

Have I talked about these with my partner?

It’s OK if your answer is no, but it’s time to have a talk if that's the case. Pick a moment where neither of you is busy, distracted, or tired. Let your partner know you want to talk about something important later so they can mentally prepare.

Then, talk. Focus on your feelings and needs rather than accusing or belittling your partner—stand firm on your non-negotiable needs. You might have to compromise, but you shouldn’t be ignored.

Once it’s done, take a huge sigh of f*cking relief. You just did what most people struggle all their lives to do.

And you might’ve saved your relationship because expectations are a silent killer. When they go unmet, you start to resent the person you’re with.

All of this is to say: you are the best advocate for getting your needs met. Don’t think that people automatically know what you want. It’s up to you to say something.

Also, maybe steer clear from TikTok accounts that make you think you need expensive gifts from your partner to know they care.

What do you think? Reply and let me know!

Until next week, my lovely readers. Stay sane, safe, and perhaps log off of social media for a bit.

Xoxo,

Kirstie