Don't Get Hung Up on "The One"
Hey hopeful romantic,
Yesterday, I shocked my friend with a comment: “I don’t believe in soulmates. I couldn’t possibly know if my partner is ‘the one’ until I’m grey and old, reflecting on my life.”
His response, “So you’re not in love with your partner? You plan on marrying him or having kids??”
*Insert palm to face emoji*
I was shocked he assumed I didn’t love and want to be with my boyfriend because I don’t think he’s “the one” (regardless of the fact I simply don’t believe in that notion).
You see, I love my boyfriend. Yes, we plan to marry. Yes, we plan to have kids.
But just because I met someone who I want to spend my life with doesn’t mean my thoughts changed on soulmates or him being the person I’m destined to be with.
That’s because I truly despise the idea of “the one.” It makes people feel a lot of confusion, pressure, expectations, sadness, and doubt. Not to mention all the down-right horrible dating advice that comes from the idea of “the one.”
So this week, I want to convince you why you shouldn’t get hung up on the idea of “the one” or, at the very least, how not to. For the sake of your dating sanity.
But first…
If you’re feeling fed up with how your love life is going, might I suggest my new book, What I Wish I Knew About Love?
You’ll learn how to build your self-confidence back up, become clear on what really matters in a partner, and learn how to date more intentionally so you can find someone who makes you truly happy.
And, if you order now, send me your receipt, and I’ll reply with my Free Boundaries Guide as a thank you!
Let’s talk about where “soulmates” came from:
Back in Ancient Greek times, Plato wrote a piece called The Symposium. A character named Aristophanes tells a story about how humans used to have two heads, four arms, and four legs.
The gods became frightened that these superhumans would overpower them, so Zeus threw a lightning bolt down on them, splitting everyone into two. After that, humans wandered the world looking for their other half.
Hence, soulmates. A cute story, but not exactly based on reality.
If you still want to think there’s someone out there who is meant to be with you, that’s fine. But just don’t let that idea cause you to feel crappy and miss out on finding someone great.
So how do you stop getting hung up on finding the one?
Know that every dating experience has value.
Part of dating is figuring out what does and doesn’t work for you. Without going through some trial and error, how could you possibly know what qualities in a person would make you happiest (or don’t, more importantly)?
It doesn’t matter if it’s 3 dates or 3 months or 3 years. You’ll learn a lot from those experiences. Don’t let the idea of “the one” stop you from giving certain relationships a try. At the very least, you’ll learn a lot.
Be open to love looking different.
When I first entered the dating scene, I wanted a tall, muscular, blonde man who loved the outdoors. But the guy I ended up with? Yes, he’s tall, but he’s not blonde, and he’s far from outdoorsy (spoiler: he’s a gamer).
Because I thought I knew what my type was. But I had no idea. If you believe “the one” will only be a certain way, you could let someone great slip by.
You can’t rush this process, no matter how badly you want to.
Society makes us feel like there’s a biological clock ticking in the background of all our lives. That if we don’t marry by a certain age, we’ll outcast failures and miss out on our chance at love.
But with something as important as who you want to spend your life with, how could you rush that? Would you rather wait until you’re 40 to find the person you want to grow old with or settle on a relationship in your late-20’s that’s just meh because you didn’t want to waste time?
Realize the odds are high that you can be extremely happy with more than one person.
In the United States, there are 80 million people between the ages of 25 and 40. Cut that in half, assuming you’re only looking to date one gender. Hell, cut that number in a fourth, taking into account people who are taken.
That still leaves you with 10 million people. Out of 10 million people, I find it hard to believe that you could have a connection with only one single person. Those odds just don’t add up.
People who get into relationships when they’re older tend to be happier.
Somehow, we got things mixed up in our minds that as you get older, worse relationships await you. But that’s simply not the case.
People who marry later in their life have lower divorce rates than those who get married when they’re younger. Besides, with time, you start to figure out what you want from a partner. With more boundaries and healthier standards, things won’t be as easy as before when you’d date just about anyone.
This week’s activity:
Write down all the qualities in a person that you’re looking for. Every single thing you can think of, put it into a list. Now, next to each one, mark if it’s a preference or a deal-breaker.
What’s an example of a preference? Blonde hair, high-paying job, great style, witty, outdoorsy, over 6 foot, loves Harry Potter.
What’s an example of a deal-breaker? Anything to do with your values. Think: kind, honest, trustworthy, respects you, values open-mindedness.
This list can help you clarify what really matters in a partner, rather than superficial qualities you thought “the one” would be like.
If you want, send me your list! I read and try to respond to all the emails you send me.
Until next week my lovely reader.
All the love,
Kirstie
Content I Loved:
Rituals For Healthy Relationships At Every Stage
Ask Polly: ‘I Feel Like My Rage Might Eat Me Alive’
15 Couples on How 2020 Rocked Their Relationship
How to Talk About Big Life Decisions as a Couple
Please Go Shelter in Another Place
"I've been single for seven years, and I've learned to love being alone."
Articles I Wrote:
Ask iris: "Right Person, Wrong Time?"
5 Powerful Dating Standards That Can Help You Find Fulfilling Love