Are You in Love With The *Idea* of Someone?
Hey hopeful romantic!
This week in the newsletter, I want to talk about something very near and dear to my heart because I’ve been on both sides of this vicious dating phenomenon and maybe you have, too.
I’m talking about being in love with the idea of someone.
Once upon a time, I dated a man I met via Bumble. We had instant chemistry on our first date. I thought we’d have dinner for two hours but it ended up being six.
I quickly became obsessed with him. I imagined our future together and couldn’t wait until he became my boyfriend. When he didn’t text me for days or canceled our plans, I chalked it up to him just being busy.
Then, 3 months in, he called it quits between us.
Fast-forward two years, and I started dating a different dude who we’ll call Brad. I’d known him for several years and knew he always had a thing for me. This guy did everything and anything to make me his. Finally, I decided to give it a try, and Brad and I officially dated.
But anytime I had any issue or need, he wasn’t there for me. All the realities of a relationship seemed to turn him off thoroughly.
A couple of months in, we broke up.
Both of those relationships were fueled by the idea of someone. I created an idea of what the first guy could be like in a relationship and ignored the clear signs he wasn’t interested. Brad kept me on a pedestal and was shocked once I revealed I was an actual human being.
When you don’t consider the person you’re dating for who they are and what they show you, you run the risk of a few things. You could obsess and create anxiety in your relationship, or you might ignore red flags. Both major no-nos.
Your expectations for them end up being what really hurts you.
So here are some signs that you’re in love with the idea of someone, rather than who they really are:
You think about them in the future more than you do in the present. In other words, you imagine how they’ll be as a husband or mother. You think about the ways they can be different if they “changed.”
You want them most when you're apart. When you’re together, things are meh. But when they’re apart, you’re obsessing over all their great qualities and miss them like crazy.
Your life goals and values are wildly different. You ignore that the fundamentals of who both of you are don’t match. You opt to ignore that in favor of other aspects about them.
You quickly forget the bad in favor of the good. You overlook all their bad qualities, or times they hurt you because you believe they only mean the good things they do.
If you struggle with any of these, I suggest taking a cold hard look at your relationship or the person you’re dating. You can only go off what someone shows you, not the fantasy you create in your head.
Until next week ❤️
All the love,
Kirstie
Content You’ll Love:
So, Does Your Partner Need To Know Everything?
7 Reminders For When You Feel Like Nothing You Do Is Good Enough
If Your Partner’s Romantic Past Bothers You, Here’s How To Move Past It
Dating Safely After COVID (with Dr. James Simmons)
The Most Effective Way to Thank Your Significant Other