A Dating Technique To Help You Feel Less Hopeless

Hey hopeful romantic,

I’m in your inbox this week to talk about a dating technique I recently came upon that'll save a lot of disappointment if you’re single.

But first: are you on Instagram or Tiktok? I’ve been posting a lot on them and would love to connect with you! Give me a follow and slide into my DMs or leave a comment on a video letting me know you’re from my newsletter ☺️

Now back to our regularly scheduled email.


Let me start you all off with a personal story:

In 2016 I was newly single and swiping my little heart out on Bumble. I came across this guy who had only one photo of his actual face, and the rest was him doing exciting things like surfing and traveling.

Now, you need to know one thing about me: I am very picky about who I date.

While I haven’t been single in a bit now and would hopefully be less high-strung, back then, I talked to a lot of matches I never met IRL.

But there was something about this guy’s smile and casual photos that screamed down-to-earth and like he wasn’t trying too hard. So we planned a date to grab wine at a nearby bar from my apartment.

I won’t beat around the bush: that date was incredible. It lasted five hours, and we connected really well.

We’ll call this guy Sam. He and I talked all the time and ended up going on more dates. Sam brought me as his date to a work event. We grabbed dinner at a delicious Italian place. Everything seemed great.

Except for one thing.

It was usually me who kept in contact with him. I’d be the first to text. I would ask when we were hanging out next, which was all fine until, well, it wasn’t.

After a month of seeing each other, Sam started becoming harder to get in contact with. He canceled on a date because of health reasons and then again because of work.

Until finally, he called me to say that he wasn’t in a place to date seriously. Just like that, my 24-year-old heart broke.

Looking back on that relationship, I see now how I let my heart control the situation. Instead of dating Sam based on the energy he invested into seeing me, I dated him based on how much I liked him.

And that, my lovely reader, is why I’m writing this newsletter.


Fast-forward to the present: I recently came across a dating coach who talked about this technique called “invest and test.”

Essentially, you date a person based on whether they meet you in the middle, not based on how much you like them. Because (and I’m sure we’ve all been there) it doesn’t matter how much you like someone if they don’t feel the same about you.

A relationship takes two people wanting it, not just one.

This “invest and test” strategy blew my mind. It’s a great answer to a lot of the dating fatigue and missed expectations people feel.

If you’re not emotionally invested in people who aren’t showing signs they want to date seriously, then it’s easier to handle things not working out. Or, better yet, it’s easier for you to know it’s time to walk away.

If I’d implemented “investing and testing” with Sam, I would’ve noticed that my invitation to “meet up again” was never met with a solid plan. I had to be the one to decide on the details; he never met me in the middle.

I wouldn’t have rescheduled canceled dates. I would’ve left that for him to do. And via all of that, I would’ve noticed he wasn’t putting in the same energy as me.

While it’s not a perfect solution, it’s a solution. It’s one step that can help you feel a little less hopeless in the wild world of dating.

So next time you’re unsure about someone, try the “invest and test” strategy. Ask them to hang out and see if they decide on a plan. Tell them you like them and take note of their response.

Because our hearts are sometimes too hopeful; we need to let our brains take control more often.

What do you think about this strategy? Is it something you’ll start doing in your dating life (or wish you had when you were single)?

Until next week my lovely reader ❤️

All the love,

Kirstie


Content I Loved:

Secrets to Getting Over Your Ex (Podcast)

'I Need My Boyfriend to Be Workout Buddy'

There Are 4 Aspects of Commitment—And One Signals Doom for a Relationship

A Lifetime of Good Loving (Podcast)

Measuring Your Happiness Can Help Improve It

Body Image and Dating (Podcast)

Articles I Wrote:

8 Signs To Help You Tell If Your Relationship Isn’t Working Anymore

25 Little Habits That Could Turn Women Off

20 Things About Love Most People Learn Too Late In Life

Your Love Isn’t Too Much; You’re Giving It To The Wrong Person.


Book Update:

*If you're new to this newsletter and my work, I'm currently writing on a book, What I Wish I Knew About Love, that's set to come out early 2021 with Thought Catalog Books.*

I’m currently planning a Podcast Tour. If you listen to any podcasts related to dating, relationships, or self-improvement, let me know! Even if it’s your podcast or a friend’s, no podcast is too small!